Honest and moving. I am in a different stage of motherhood (mine are 3 and 1), and this resonated with me just the same. (And those summer-before-college feelings came rushing right back as I read your words. What a time that was!)
I think chance plays a part in lasting friendship, to be honest. I have known a friend for almost 20 years, of course we have common points, we like each other, and I am grateful for her support in hard times but would we have kept in touch if we were not living in the same city? Not sure. Which doesn't make it less valuable of a relationship.
I've also found that friendships come and go, and sometimes go back. Its not always easy to accept it, I have lost friends because I was too hurt to accept a (maybe temporary) exit - and others I have kept because I lived with it. Again, chance.
PS your daughter sounds like she has a much better awareness of relationships than me at her age ;-)
I can believe that chance has something to do with it too. It's a lot of things honestly! And yes about returning friendships. I do wonder about that when I read about the 7 year average lifespan of a friendship. I feel like people re-emerge in our lives for various reasons.
Oh this post brought so many emotions. My eldest son is now away at Uni and my younger son will be going in the autumn. It's definitely a time of a "last times" at the minute and very bittersweet.
My kid is barely 2 years old but this post made me so emotional thinking about everything that lies ahead of him, including the goodbyes and starting over and everything in between. I love hearing that you don't miss IG. It is a little nudge for me to take that step soon!!
You're a mom! Of course ALLLL of this feels emotional. Every stage is, but yeah...there's something quite profound about this particular phase of parenting and I am feeling it so hard.
Friendships and the whys/hows of whether they last are often so strange and I have found they often don't really have anything at all to do with anything particular. Life itself is just such a driving force. I can't name a single childhood friend I'm still close to, but I do still have a couple from college, including my best friend of fifteen years! It all just depends on so many factors out of everyone's control, as you so eloquently said.
Also, I LOVE yamitsuki! It is my favorite way to eat cabbage and it really is absolutely addictive. 💚
Someone else commented that it also seems like chance is at play and I do tend to agree. We first had the cabbage at a restaurant here in Brooklyn. Mark modified this recipe a bit but oh so good!!
I am excited for your daughter for embarking on a new journey. I am excited for you too, Jenna, for starting a new phase of life as well, where friendships, perhaps, will be a bigger part of your life!
OMG, so timely as always, Jenna! Thank you for sharing your thoughts -- it's always so comforting to hear that you're thinking about such similar things.
My eldest is nearing the end of 7th grade, and middle school here is grade 6-8. Z's group of friends is super tight-knit and they make all sorts of 12-year-old plans for "when we all live together as adults," which I find both adorable and kinda heartbreaking, since they're now only a year and change away from possibly never seeing each other again.
At the same time, I'm definitely in a friendship shift myself -- strangely, it's almost the opposite of what I'd expect: I've been gravitating towards more casual friendships lately, especially in groups, and drifting away from individual friends who need anything deeper from. Maybe it's a pandemic hangover, maybe it's that I'm entering a phase of parenting when I sense that my kids are going to need more of my time and energy? I also feel like I "need" my parent-friends a little less; so many of our parenting concerns are less universal than they were when our kids were babies and toddlers.
When I was my kids' age, I never really thoughts adults' friendships shifted at all -- just that you made adult friends and that was it for life. Pretty laughable to consider that now!
Abby, middle school is definitely when parent friendships change. We start becoming hands off with our kids' schools and that often can mean our everyday socialization change, so it makes sense what you are feeling! All of it, from needing parent friends a bit less to already being conscious that more of your mental time and energy will be shifted toward your kids. It's interesting how this experience is so universally common, generally speaking.
First, the food looks great! Second, my wife and I (her especially) are in that phase of our lives. She hasn’t made many new friends in college, as most of our high school friends went to Bucharest with us for college, so she had easy access to comfortable old friendships, whereas I tried to meet new people. As a result, getting older hit her more than it did me, as she finds herself with many old friends she no longer clicks with. I see the dismay that state of affairs brought her in real time. It sucks. Hopefully it motivates her to meet some new people. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks, Andrei. Friendships evolve and so much in our lifetime. I'm also certain that the experience is different between men and women too. My kid has often said that she would prefer that she start college without any of her friends attending - which will be true - because even though she has anxiety about making new friends, she knows that it would be better for her because that would mean she would need to put herself out there more to make new friends. I thought that was very mature of her to say!
Ahhh, friendships. Mine came to us the other day lamenting that none of the "girls" ask her to join them for lunch at her work training for her summer job. I should interject here to say she is a gregarious autistic with moderate needs. My immediate response was to think (and say) "Well, let's see what we can do about that." But I stopped myself. At 19, it's not like I can force anyone else to be friends or even to be nice to mine. And the reality is that not everyone will like you or want to hang out with you. Am I peeved that nowhere in her work training was there anything about neuro differences? Absolutely, especially with all the work and talk about DEI, but I already know from experience that the one section most lacking in DEI work is neurodiversity/mental and physical abilities. Anyway, I digress. I just sat there and listened to her express herself, acknowledged what she was feeling and saying, offered her some support and love and said that sometimes making friends as an adult is hard, for everyone.
On a different note, I miss your posts on IG, where I'm mostly at. I literally go to Threads once in a while just to see what you've posted, otherwise, I do bother with it bc I can't keep up. I'm getting old...
Really interesting thoughts this week! I related about those feelings about drifting friends. You have a special way to capture in-between feelings as you grow and your children grow and that was so fascinating.
And your photos, always beautiful and full of light and color. The drawing is exquisite. You are super talented Jenna. And throw in the mother skills and design skills you are really quite rare!
Thanks Brett. Not rare, just a typical mom balancing too much. Interesting observation though I hadn't thought about. Yes, my photos are full of light and the drawings opposite. Wonder what that is about 🤔
I think so much about friendships and social media. The pandemic really blurred the line even further for me in terms who is an actual friend and who is someone fun that I swap DMs with. This is giving me a lot to think about. Maybe I will reach out to some of my DM "friends" and set up a coffee date or walk. To be continued!
This hits in different ways for me. I have one friend I consider my best friend and we've known each other since we were 12, at least (when our 'origin' story comes up, he thinks it was earlier, but I let him have that). He's been the constant for decades while others came and went. We're also part of a larger friend group that stays in touch, some more than others and there are sub groups who have closer ties than with others. I had a tough time recently and reached out to the wider group and others to seek assistance in a financial matter. I wasn't asking for loans or anything, just that they consider purchasing low-cost work so I could make up for a shortfall on bills. One friend did come through and purchased a couple of works that covered all of my needs, thankfully.
What bothered me was that no one reached out to ask if I was ok emotionally or otherwise. I didn't care if they didn't have money, but it would have made a difference hearing from someone that they felt enough to just reach out to see if I was ok otherwise. These aren't uncaring people at all, but it showed me that I may not be able to count on much emotional support in the future. I'm still processing it. On the other hand, I have artist friends and acquaintances that I can count on at the drop of a hat, even if I don't see them often. Friendships, and adult friendships in particular, are a whole weird world.
I remember some people from high school, but not in touch with any aside from passive social media interactions, barely that. I hope that your daughter saves all the memories she can. This summer is likely to be challenging but also exciting. If she's the organizer and has the gravitational pull you see, I'm sure she'll do fine once she starts college and beyond.
I get what you're saying Tim. Friendships can be weird. Money and grief, as I myself have discovered, can make it even weirder. I know that the lack of reaching out can stem from people not knowing what to say, but that doesn't mean it hurts less. Sometimes friendships don't even recover from that. I learned that when my brother and dad passed away.
Separately, I hope you are getting through your tough time.
Thanks, Jenna. Yes, money and grief are two of the things that seem to throw relations into crazyville. I'm ok, thanks. I've begun to let it go and understand what not to bring up as an ask from friends again.
Things are better now, thanks. One month at a time we go.
This confirms my suspicion that the only straight women who remain married to men (now) after the kids are raised are ones whose husbands are excellent cooks.
Gorgeous and moving. For many reasons this post gave me a cry. ♥️
❤️ Thanks, Carrie
Honest and moving. I am in a different stage of motherhood (mine are 3 and 1), and this resonated with me just the same. (And those summer-before-college feelings came rushing right back as I read your words. What a time that was!)
Thank you Courtney. And that summer is such a defining time! I guess that is why so many of us still remember it so vividly?
I think chance plays a part in lasting friendship, to be honest. I have known a friend for almost 20 years, of course we have common points, we like each other, and I am grateful for her support in hard times but would we have kept in touch if we were not living in the same city? Not sure. Which doesn't make it less valuable of a relationship.
I've also found that friendships come and go, and sometimes go back. Its not always easy to accept it, I have lost friends because I was too hurt to accept a (maybe temporary) exit - and others I have kept because I lived with it. Again, chance.
PS your daughter sounds like she has a much better awareness of relationships than me at her age ;-)
I can believe that chance has something to do with it too. It's a lot of things honestly! And yes about returning friendships. I do wonder about that when I read about the 7 year average lifespan of a friendship. I feel like people re-emerge in our lives for various reasons.
Oh this post brought so many emotions. My eldest son is now away at Uni and my younger son will be going in the autumn. It's definitely a time of a "last times" at the minute and very bittersweet.
Oh, my heart is with you. It's going to be a tough 3-4 months. Big big hugs.
My kid is barely 2 years old but this post made me so emotional thinking about everything that lies ahead of him, including the goodbyes and starting over and everything in between. I love hearing that you don't miss IG. It is a little nudge for me to take that step soon!!
You're a mom! Of course ALLLL of this feels emotional. Every stage is, but yeah...there's something quite profound about this particular phase of parenting and I am feeling it so hard.
Friendships and the whys/hows of whether they last are often so strange and I have found they often don't really have anything at all to do with anything particular. Life itself is just such a driving force. I can't name a single childhood friend I'm still close to, but I do still have a couple from college, including my best friend of fifteen years! It all just depends on so many factors out of everyone's control, as you so eloquently said.
Also, I LOVE yamitsuki! It is my favorite way to eat cabbage and it really is absolutely addictive. 💚
Someone else commented that it also seems like chance is at play and I do tend to agree. We first had the cabbage at a restaurant here in Brooklyn. Mark modified this recipe a bit but oh so good!!
I am excited for your daughter for embarking on a new journey. I am excited for you too, Jenna, for starting a new phase of life as well, where friendships, perhaps, will be a bigger part of your life!
Thank you for the well wishes, Yuezhong ❤️
OMG, so timely as always, Jenna! Thank you for sharing your thoughts -- it's always so comforting to hear that you're thinking about such similar things.
My eldest is nearing the end of 7th grade, and middle school here is grade 6-8. Z's group of friends is super tight-knit and they make all sorts of 12-year-old plans for "when we all live together as adults," which I find both adorable and kinda heartbreaking, since they're now only a year and change away from possibly never seeing each other again.
At the same time, I'm definitely in a friendship shift myself -- strangely, it's almost the opposite of what I'd expect: I've been gravitating towards more casual friendships lately, especially in groups, and drifting away from individual friends who need anything deeper from. Maybe it's a pandemic hangover, maybe it's that I'm entering a phase of parenting when I sense that my kids are going to need more of my time and energy? I also feel like I "need" my parent-friends a little less; so many of our parenting concerns are less universal than they were when our kids were babies and toddlers.
When I was my kids' age, I never really thoughts adults' friendships shifted at all -- just that you made adult friends and that was it for life. Pretty laughable to consider that now!
Abby, middle school is definitely when parent friendships change. We start becoming hands off with our kids' schools and that often can mean our everyday socialization change, so it makes sense what you are feeling! All of it, from needing parent friends a bit less to already being conscious that more of your mental time and energy will be shifted toward your kids. It's interesting how this experience is so universally common, generally speaking.
First, the food looks great! Second, my wife and I (her especially) are in that phase of our lives. She hasn’t made many new friends in college, as most of our high school friends went to Bucharest with us for college, so she had easy access to comfortable old friendships, whereas I tried to meet new people. As a result, getting older hit her more than it did me, as she finds herself with many old friends she no longer clicks with. I see the dismay that state of affairs brought her in real time. It sucks. Hopefully it motivates her to meet some new people. Thanks for writing this.
Thanks, Andrei. Friendships evolve and so much in our lifetime. I'm also certain that the experience is different between men and women too. My kid has often said that she would prefer that she start college without any of her friends attending - which will be true - because even though she has anxiety about making new friends, she knows that it would be better for her because that would mean she would need to put herself out there more to make new friends. I thought that was very mature of her to say!
Ahhh, friendships. Mine came to us the other day lamenting that none of the "girls" ask her to join them for lunch at her work training for her summer job. I should interject here to say she is a gregarious autistic with moderate needs. My immediate response was to think (and say) "Well, let's see what we can do about that." But I stopped myself. At 19, it's not like I can force anyone else to be friends or even to be nice to mine. And the reality is that not everyone will like you or want to hang out with you. Am I peeved that nowhere in her work training was there anything about neuro differences? Absolutely, especially with all the work and talk about DEI, but I already know from experience that the one section most lacking in DEI work is neurodiversity/mental and physical abilities. Anyway, I digress. I just sat there and listened to her express herself, acknowledged what she was feeling and saying, offered her some support and love and said that sometimes making friends as an adult is hard, for everyone.
On a different note, I miss your posts on IG, where I'm mostly at. I literally go to Threads once in a while just to see what you've posted, otherwise, I do bother with it bc I can't keep up. I'm getting old...
Haha.
*don't bother...
I feel for your daughter! That breaks my heart a little. And your response was perfect.
re: social media, I'm not even really active on Threads anymore. I consume but don't post much anywhere anymore. *I* can't keep up!
Beautiful
❤️
Really interesting thoughts this week! I related about those feelings about drifting friends. You have a special way to capture in-between feelings as you grow and your children grow and that was so fascinating.
And your photos, always beautiful and full of light and color. The drawing is exquisite. You are super talented Jenna. And throw in the mother skills and design skills you are really quite rare!
Thanks Brett. Not rare, just a typical mom balancing too much. Interesting observation though I hadn't thought about. Yes, my photos are full of light and the drawings opposite. Wonder what that is about 🤔
I think so much about friendships and social media. The pandemic really blurred the line even further for me in terms who is an actual friend and who is someone fun that I swap DMs with. This is giving me a lot to think about. Maybe I will reach out to some of my DM "friends" and set up a coffee date or walk. To be continued!
Same re: pandemic. And yes! Real life coffee dates have restored some of my cynicism on friendships 😊
This hits in different ways for me. I have one friend I consider my best friend and we've known each other since we were 12, at least (when our 'origin' story comes up, he thinks it was earlier, but I let him have that). He's been the constant for decades while others came and went. We're also part of a larger friend group that stays in touch, some more than others and there are sub groups who have closer ties than with others. I had a tough time recently and reached out to the wider group and others to seek assistance in a financial matter. I wasn't asking for loans or anything, just that they consider purchasing low-cost work so I could make up for a shortfall on bills. One friend did come through and purchased a couple of works that covered all of my needs, thankfully.
What bothered me was that no one reached out to ask if I was ok emotionally or otherwise. I didn't care if they didn't have money, but it would have made a difference hearing from someone that they felt enough to just reach out to see if I was ok otherwise. These aren't uncaring people at all, but it showed me that I may not be able to count on much emotional support in the future. I'm still processing it. On the other hand, I have artist friends and acquaintances that I can count on at the drop of a hat, even if I don't see them often. Friendships, and adult friendships in particular, are a whole weird world.
I remember some people from high school, but not in touch with any aside from passive social media interactions, barely that. I hope that your daughter saves all the memories she can. This summer is likely to be challenging but also exciting. If she's the organizer and has the gravitational pull you see, I'm sure she'll do fine once she starts college and beyond.
I get what you're saying Tim. Friendships can be weird. Money and grief, as I myself have discovered, can make it even weirder. I know that the lack of reaching out can stem from people not knowing what to say, but that doesn't mean it hurts less. Sometimes friendships don't even recover from that. I learned that when my brother and dad passed away.
Separately, I hope you are getting through your tough time.
Thanks, Jenna. Yes, money and grief are two of the things that seem to throw relations into crazyville. I'm ok, thanks. I've begun to let it go and understand what not to bring up as an ask from friends again.
Things are better now, thanks. One month at a time we go.
This confirms my suspicion that the only straight women who remain married to men (now) after the kids are raised are ones whose husbands are excellent cooks.
😄