I've struggled with the same thing for ages āĀ in school, I had a lot of natural talent and could reproduce what I saw in front of me without even trying. I put it on the back burner to earn money as a designer (which I was horrible at to begin with) and a few years ago started asking myself why I had let my talent "go to waste."
I have a studio space in my house, much more than we had when we lived in Fort Greene, but still I rarely find myself down there. At the end of the day, I just don't know what I have to SAY with a paintbrush. I feel sheepish because I just like to paint the light āĀ and as you say, that should be enough! But it doesn't bring as much satisfaction as solving a tricky puzzle in a strategy deck or finishing an essay where I feel like I've created a feeling with my words. I think visual art is hard, and maybe because representation and craft came easily, I wasn't expecting how much I would have to try and think to have a body of work that says something.
How have you found the writing to be as far as an art form? That has been better for me āĀ I have a more clear idea of what I want to say here, and I do get a lot of pleasure from finding ways to play with language to paint.
Your post is making me miss my studio though! Maybe today I will take some time to make a little piece of art. š«¶š»
Melissa, it sounds like you "get it." Yes, what do I have to say? Shouldn't just painting and drawing be enough?
Writing, surprisingly, has definitely been more gratifying and I think it's largely because I don't have that baggage that I do with art. So far it's easier to express the things I want to say.
And yes, go to your studio! I am so curious about people's studios. One thought I had was to repurpose one of the kids' rooms while they're gone to just leave my mess. Wouldn't be so different from the daily kid mess that's there now š
Appreciate your candidness on the realities of art and being an artist. I also took time off to explore art and found, too, the realities of obligations and life ended up filling up a lot of the time I wanted to use to make art. I noticed that I still had to fight to end old habits, form new ones, and carve time out in a disciplined manner to make work. It is not the life I want to pursue right now, as I'm still finding myself in an entrepreneurial stage. This might change as I age, but I'm still feeling the draw of working life (not as a working artist). I'm intrigued by your journey!
Jaime, yeah, you get it too. I like how you've decisively written that it's not the life you want to pursue right now. It's really good that you've identified that as I think it brings a lot of clarity. I'm pretty sure that I'm NOT feeling the draw of working life anymore. I don't miss the hustle that resolves around that, which is why I'm feeling a little bit lost as I'm once again doing a little bit of everything right now, including working. I'll be curious to see once we truly have an empty nest later this year whether time and space opens up. Appreciate your perspective!
Something that Iāve found really helpful as I am getting back into writing is to remind myself that I can do this just for myself; it has inherent value just to create, and that I never need to share what I write if I donāt want to. I think as adults we subconsciously (or even consciously?) think things donāt have value if they arenāt earning us money / being shared widely. Since I started to focus on how creating words makes me feel, I just feel freer to enjoy the process and be experimental. I no longer let myself think about whether something is publishable or what I will do with it once itās done.
This is really good to remember. And I know that mindset all too well. When we had our business, my mind was very much entrenched in the "sell" mentality of anything I created. I've specifically set an intention that whatever art I did was just for me, the craft, the practice. I've been posting them in newsletters to hold myself accountable as I don't mind sharing it, but then I'm done with the drawing. I don't want to be bogged down by the thought of sales, a show, etc. It is very freeing.
After returning to writing more, I have never felt less of a writer than now despite participating in the activity of it all. The fraud feelings creep in heavy. Especially when it comes to craft! I have my degree in English, but it feels like I lost all the muscle I developed when I stopped and got a "regular" job. So I would pick up books on the writing craft, and I don't know that it really helped. But I guess just knowing we work through this and to an extent we all have our own definitions of craft. The journey of art and craft. Thanks for the post today, created some reflections for myself obviously.
Thank you, Crystal, for providing this perspective from a writer's point of view. I imagine the struggle could be very similar to my art "baggage." Since I never studied or taken classes in the craft of writing, I don't feel bogged down by any insecurities. It's pretty analogous to artists I know who didn't go to art schoolāthey don't seem to struggle the way I do!
Iāve come to think of that feeling of stuckness, that lack of clarity as hallmarks of artistic process. Are there moments where things become more clear? Are there actions that feel like progress? Always. But there is also always the friction and the apparent regression. The forgetting where we are or what it was that we thought we had to say.
I think thatās all part of the art. And as frustrating as it can be, it may be the more interesting part of creative practice to run up against these walls and maybe flail around a bit trying to climb them before realizing that the wall can be the art too.
Hmmm...really appreciate this Davin. Yes! Maybe it is just part of the artistic process and I should lean into this a little more. I understand the friction and the flailing - I mean that's when a lot of growth happens. Thank you for that reminder today!
1. I've never studied a craft but have moderate talent at a few things -- some, but clearly not enough to ever pursue it seriously (both in my own and others' estimations). In that space, I've found freedom, because when I need to process some thoughts or feelings, I often make something that helps me.
Lately I've felt the urge to embroider when I feel something in my head that I need to work through. Sometimes I share it, but honestly, it's for me; I'm the main and only audience that matters to myself, and if anyone else shares their opinion on it or attaches any value to it... it almost angers me? Like, it feels irrelevant, because it wasn't for them. I wonder if there's something there about being an artist vs. a craftsperson where an artist feels like what they're trying to express is not just for themselves, but really does need to connect with a wider audience.
2. And to that point, I wanted to reflect back on you that I very much consider you a writer.
Especially in this newsletter, you write to distill truths that connect with a wider audience, and I think you're very successful in that goal. Consistently in these newsletters, you hit upon something that makes me think and reflect on my own journey. That's something a writer does, and as I've been figuring out my own path this past year or so, your writing has been a welcome voice in that mix -- sometimes as guidance, sometimes as solidarity -- but always with something that connects.
I remember that you embroider, so you must have shared it at some point on social. I think it's great ā important, even ā to keep some things for ourselves, but also examine why we have the need to share sometimes. So many complaints from artists about not being seen on IG because of the algorithm etc. but why does our self worth as artists tie directly with how many people we can expose our artwork to? This is a modern problem, right? Because back when I was a student artist, the exposure was so small and limited to a circle of our peers. It's created this very warped perception of what success means, I think.
And thank you so much on point 2. I really appreciate your vote of confidence, Abby ā¤ļø
After moving to an apartment closer to my work, I thought I'd have more free time at hand. But somehow I find ways to fill it all up again, and it does take a lot of planning and discipline to carve out time for the things that I want to dedicate time too.
Also, I first thought your painting was a photograph because it looked so real! I love it so much!
The way you've processed your relationship with creating art, I see in my writing practice. I quit my paying job to focus more on my writing. I don't have much more to show for it than when I was still working and writing at the same time. I guess, maybe, a little less stress. When I got to the end of your piece, it reminded me of something I've been processing a lot over the last month, which is ambition. Is my ambition tied to just feeling good in my own skin, to feeling content with who I am, not tied to any achievements, metrics, dashboards, income, etc? Anyway, I sort of took this comment rogue. Your piece was another one that has been making me think about the ambition topic a lot more.
Thanks for bringing up ambition. I'm not sure I've thought specifically about what ambition means to me now so this was a good reminder. I used to be super ambitious, even just a few years ago, in my career. But yeah, I think the way in which I'm redefining ambition for myself has changed. I mean it has to, right?
I read your post with interest and let it sink in a bit because everyone's life and creative journeys are very different. Reading about the transitions you're going through on so many levels has helped to ground me in terms of how I think about art and creativity. Often, when people talk about imposter syndrome as it relates to art, my default response is often some variant of, "Do it! Make the art, make all of it! Do it now!" What I'm getting to is that you're doing what you need to do in the moment and there's no need to rush headlong into something like getting a full studio outside of your home when you're still figuring out your day-to-day life since leaving your field.
What's good is that you're grappling with your feelings around your creativity, but also, you're making work at the same time. I think that it's important not to lose sight of the fact that you're doing what feels right in this moment. I think figuring out what art means to you now and what you need it to do for you at this moment in your life is important. It's also important to take the time and steps you need to do that. Some people get studios and never sell a thing when that's not their goal; they just want the dedicated space to pursue their creative urges. You're feeling your way through some things and that takes time, especially when you have life changes such as yours.
Take your time, try to enjoy what you're making. You're doing ok.
Really appreciate this thoughtful comment, thank you. It's also good for me to hear externally from people such as yourself that yes, I'm doing what I need to do in the moment and I really should be content with that. It may not be a "body of work" but that can come in time. Still not sure where this pressure to be anything else comes from, but that is the eternal struggle for people who have always been ambitious and goal oriented. I'm realizing that I'm still learning what that means when it's not in the context of work tied to my career.
Thank you for opening up so honestly. This reflection is ongoing for me as well. Your post shakes me and comforts me at the same time.
Iām really glad to hear that it resonated with you. We got this, no matter what we unearth and discover about ourselves and our art. š
Oh Jenna, this made me want to hold your hand.
I've struggled with the same thing for ages āĀ in school, I had a lot of natural talent and could reproduce what I saw in front of me without even trying. I put it on the back burner to earn money as a designer (which I was horrible at to begin with) and a few years ago started asking myself why I had let my talent "go to waste."
I have a studio space in my house, much more than we had when we lived in Fort Greene, but still I rarely find myself down there. At the end of the day, I just don't know what I have to SAY with a paintbrush. I feel sheepish because I just like to paint the light āĀ and as you say, that should be enough! But it doesn't bring as much satisfaction as solving a tricky puzzle in a strategy deck or finishing an essay where I feel like I've created a feeling with my words. I think visual art is hard, and maybe because representation and craft came easily, I wasn't expecting how much I would have to try and think to have a body of work that says something.
How have you found the writing to be as far as an art form? That has been better for me āĀ I have a more clear idea of what I want to say here, and I do get a lot of pleasure from finding ways to play with language to paint.
Your post is making me miss my studio though! Maybe today I will take some time to make a little piece of art. š«¶š»
Melissa, it sounds like you "get it." Yes, what do I have to say? Shouldn't just painting and drawing be enough?
Writing, surprisingly, has definitely been more gratifying and I think it's largely because I don't have that baggage that I do with art. So far it's easier to express the things I want to say.
And yes, go to your studio! I am so curious about people's studios. One thought I had was to repurpose one of the kids' rooms while they're gone to just leave my mess. Wouldn't be so different from the daily kid mess that's there now š
Appreciate your candidness on the realities of art and being an artist. I also took time off to explore art and found, too, the realities of obligations and life ended up filling up a lot of the time I wanted to use to make art. I noticed that I still had to fight to end old habits, form new ones, and carve time out in a disciplined manner to make work. It is not the life I want to pursue right now, as I'm still finding myself in an entrepreneurial stage. This might change as I age, but I'm still feeling the draw of working life (not as a working artist). I'm intrigued by your journey!
Jaime, yeah, you get it too. I like how you've decisively written that it's not the life you want to pursue right now. It's really good that you've identified that as I think it brings a lot of clarity. I'm pretty sure that I'm NOT feeling the draw of working life anymore. I don't miss the hustle that resolves around that, which is why I'm feeling a little bit lost as I'm once again doing a little bit of everything right now, including working. I'll be curious to see once we truly have an empty nest later this year whether time and space opens up. Appreciate your perspective!
Something that Iāve found really helpful as I am getting back into writing is to remind myself that I can do this just for myself; it has inherent value just to create, and that I never need to share what I write if I donāt want to. I think as adults we subconsciously (or even consciously?) think things donāt have value if they arenāt earning us money / being shared widely. Since I started to focus on how creating words makes me feel, I just feel freer to enjoy the process and be experimental. I no longer let myself think about whether something is publishable or what I will do with it once itās done.
This is really good to remember. And I know that mindset all too well. When we had our business, my mind was very much entrenched in the "sell" mentality of anything I created. I've specifically set an intention that whatever art I did was just for me, the craft, the practice. I've been posting them in newsletters to hold myself accountable as I don't mind sharing it, but then I'm done with the drawing. I don't want to be bogged down by the thought of sales, a show, etc. It is very freeing.
After returning to writing more, I have never felt less of a writer than now despite participating in the activity of it all. The fraud feelings creep in heavy. Especially when it comes to craft! I have my degree in English, but it feels like I lost all the muscle I developed when I stopped and got a "regular" job. So I would pick up books on the writing craft, and I don't know that it really helped. But I guess just knowing we work through this and to an extent we all have our own definitions of craft. The journey of art and craft. Thanks for the post today, created some reflections for myself obviously.
Thank you, Crystal, for providing this perspective from a writer's point of view. I imagine the struggle could be very similar to my art "baggage." Since I never studied or taken classes in the craft of writing, I don't feel bogged down by any insecurities. It's pretty analogous to artists I know who didn't go to art schoolāthey don't seem to struggle the way I do!
Iāve come to think of that feeling of stuckness, that lack of clarity as hallmarks of artistic process. Are there moments where things become more clear? Are there actions that feel like progress? Always. But there is also always the friction and the apparent regression. The forgetting where we are or what it was that we thought we had to say.
I think thatās all part of the art. And as frustrating as it can be, it may be the more interesting part of creative practice to run up against these walls and maybe flail around a bit trying to climb them before realizing that the wall can be the art too.
Hmmm...really appreciate this Davin. Yes! Maybe it is just part of the artistic process and I should lean into this a little more. I understand the friction and the flailing - I mean that's when a lot of growth happens. Thank you for that reminder today!
Two things:
1. I've never studied a craft but have moderate talent at a few things -- some, but clearly not enough to ever pursue it seriously (both in my own and others' estimations). In that space, I've found freedom, because when I need to process some thoughts or feelings, I often make something that helps me.
Lately I've felt the urge to embroider when I feel something in my head that I need to work through. Sometimes I share it, but honestly, it's for me; I'm the main and only audience that matters to myself, and if anyone else shares their opinion on it or attaches any value to it... it almost angers me? Like, it feels irrelevant, because it wasn't for them. I wonder if there's something there about being an artist vs. a craftsperson where an artist feels like what they're trying to express is not just for themselves, but really does need to connect with a wider audience.
2. And to that point, I wanted to reflect back on you that I very much consider you a writer.
Especially in this newsletter, you write to distill truths that connect with a wider audience, and I think you're very successful in that goal. Consistently in these newsletters, you hit upon something that makes me think and reflect on my own journey. That's something a writer does, and as I've been figuring out my own path this past year or so, your writing has been a welcome voice in that mix -- sometimes as guidance, sometimes as solidarity -- but always with something that connects.
I remember that you embroider, so you must have shared it at some point on social. I think it's great ā important, even ā to keep some things for ourselves, but also examine why we have the need to share sometimes. So many complaints from artists about not being seen on IG because of the algorithm etc. but why does our self worth as artists tie directly with how many people we can expose our artwork to? This is a modern problem, right? Because back when I was a student artist, the exposure was so small and limited to a circle of our peers. It's created this very warped perception of what success means, I think.
And thank you so much on point 2. I really appreciate your vote of confidence, Abby ā¤ļø
After moving to an apartment closer to my work, I thought I'd have more free time at hand. But somehow I find ways to fill it all up again, and it does take a lot of planning and discipline to carve out time for the things that I want to dedicate time too.
Also, I first thought your painting was a photograph because it looked so real! I love it so much!
My 16 year old self thanks you š„°.
The way you've processed your relationship with creating art, I see in my writing practice. I quit my paying job to focus more on my writing. I don't have much more to show for it than when I was still working and writing at the same time. I guess, maybe, a little less stress. When I got to the end of your piece, it reminded me of something I've been processing a lot over the last month, which is ambition. Is my ambition tied to just feeling good in my own skin, to feeling content with who I am, not tied to any achievements, metrics, dashboards, income, etc? Anyway, I sort of took this comment rogue. Your piece was another one that has been making me think about the ambition topic a lot more.
Thanks for bringing up ambition. I'm not sure I've thought specifically about what ambition means to me now so this was a good reminder. I used to be super ambitious, even just a few years ago, in my career. But yeah, I think the way in which I'm redefining ambition for myself has changed. I mean it has to, right?
I read your post with interest and let it sink in a bit because everyone's life and creative journeys are very different. Reading about the transitions you're going through on so many levels has helped to ground me in terms of how I think about art and creativity. Often, when people talk about imposter syndrome as it relates to art, my default response is often some variant of, "Do it! Make the art, make all of it! Do it now!" What I'm getting to is that you're doing what you need to do in the moment and there's no need to rush headlong into something like getting a full studio outside of your home when you're still figuring out your day-to-day life since leaving your field.
What's good is that you're grappling with your feelings around your creativity, but also, you're making work at the same time. I think that it's important not to lose sight of the fact that you're doing what feels right in this moment. I think figuring out what art means to you now and what you need it to do for you at this moment in your life is important. It's also important to take the time and steps you need to do that. Some people get studios and never sell a thing when that's not their goal; they just want the dedicated space to pursue their creative urges. You're feeling your way through some things and that takes time, especially when you have life changes such as yours.
Take your time, try to enjoy what you're making. You're doing ok.
Really appreciate this thoughtful comment, thank you. It's also good for me to hear externally from people such as yourself that yes, I'm doing what I need to do in the moment and I really should be content with that. It may not be a "body of work" but that can come in time. Still not sure where this pressure to be anything else comes from, but that is the eternal struggle for people who have always been ambitious and goal oriented. I'm realizing that I'm still learning what that means when it's not in the context of work tied to my career.