Festival holidays in it’s various forms are generally a mixed bag for many. For us it’s Chinese New Year. The traditions! Expectations. Ghost of festive past. It’s always one let down/resentment away from a roasted duck for dinner! Ala Christmas story.
Jenna, this may be my favorite post yet. That will-we-go-to-church tension is such a marker for my own Christmas evolution too, as my sister and I gained opinions and spouses with opinions. Then deaths and shrinking family added reminders of lost rituals, especially as my mom developed a dependence on Hallmark movies. This year felt unlike Christmas until we broke out a puzzle after dinner and talked for hours. When I left town, my mom, sister and I all commented on what a nice day it was. We felt close, which was the best holiday gift after this pandemic. Thanks for sharing and stirring my pot with it. There are always lights. Sometimes they are people.
yes yes yes. I grew up with a single mom in a large family. We had some great holidays until she had a mental break (she has bipolar) and from then on they got terrible and strange and even abusive. I have a lovely family now, and I've made the traditions I've wanted to keep like cookies, movies etc but I can never shake the sadness even though I want to. Its just there. I keep wanting to catch that spirit I had in my own personal beforetimes, but I can't. I sometimes wish that I wouldn't and just forget about it, and before I had kids sometimes I didn't do Christmas at all. I don't know. This is a good post, thank you for sharing.
Will you forgive me if I start every comment on your posts with some version of “how the fuck are you always reading my mind?!!”
The holiday season is such a roller coaster for me. When the kid was younger I thought maybe it would dissipate as she got older but in fact, I think sometimes it’s gotten more acute. Mine is on the spectrum with moderate needs. Christmas will always be a big deal for her, she loves any reason to celebrate, such is who she is. And perhaps because of her, we will (have to?) celebrate full force, jolly and merry each year. And perhaps because of her, it’s actually good for me.
But I am reminded that it was just before Christmas, nineteen years ago when I miscarried. That was a tough Christmas, with a well meaning uncle trying his best to cheer us up but making it worse. And because of the affects of that miscarriage we ended up adopting. I love my daughter through and through, but we did not request a special needs adoption so... as natural as it would’ve been I guess, had she been birthed my me, we were introduced to this added part in our lives.
Each holiday season I am reminded of the child I lost, the one I gained (we were placed, coincidentally, in early December) only to realize I also “lost” her, and then to gain again, one I never expected. I see her peers and others, whose children are her age, how far she has come along but also I mostly see how far she has been left behind. I see in others, how my life could’ve been, but isn’t. And I wonder, every year how different life would be if only I didn’t miscarry and couldn’t have children while feeling guilty for the thoughts to the one I love so deeply. Sometimes I hate the holidays but we have created our own traditions and I try to be as present as I can especially since we have pretty much taken over the celebrations from my parents. I know their time is not nearly as long as I used to think it was. I’m all over the place. Sorry. Thank you for this.
Festival holidays in it’s various forms are generally a mixed bag for many. For us it’s Chinese New Year. The traditions! Expectations. Ghost of festive past. It’s always one let down/resentment away from a roasted duck for dinner! Ala Christmas story.
Jenna, this may be my favorite post yet. That will-we-go-to-church tension is such a marker for my own Christmas evolution too, as my sister and I gained opinions and spouses with opinions. Then deaths and shrinking family added reminders of lost rituals, especially as my mom developed a dependence on Hallmark movies. This year felt unlike Christmas until we broke out a puzzle after dinner and talked for hours. When I left town, my mom, sister and I all commented on what a nice day it was. We felt close, which was the best holiday gift after this pandemic. Thanks for sharing and stirring my pot with it. There are always lights. Sometimes they are people.
yes yes yes. I grew up with a single mom in a large family. We had some great holidays until she had a mental break (she has bipolar) and from then on they got terrible and strange and even abusive. I have a lovely family now, and I've made the traditions I've wanted to keep like cookies, movies etc but I can never shake the sadness even though I want to. Its just there. I keep wanting to catch that spirit I had in my own personal beforetimes, but I can't. I sometimes wish that I wouldn't and just forget about it, and before I had kids sometimes I didn't do Christmas at all. I don't know. This is a good post, thank you for sharing.
I’m glad you started this space. Welcome back Jeanna. 🤍
Will you forgive me if I start every comment on your posts with some version of “how the fuck are you always reading my mind?!!”
The holiday season is such a roller coaster for me. When the kid was younger I thought maybe it would dissipate as she got older but in fact, I think sometimes it’s gotten more acute. Mine is on the spectrum with moderate needs. Christmas will always be a big deal for her, she loves any reason to celebrate, such is who she is. And perhaps because of her, we will (have to?) celebrate full force, jolly and merry each year. And perhaps because of her, it’s actually good for me.
But I am reminded that it was just before Christmas, nineteen years ago when I miscarried. That was a tough Christmas, with a well meaning uncle trying his best to cheer us up but making it worse. And because of the affects of that miscarriage we ended up adopting. I love my daughter through and through, but we did not request a special needs adoption so... as natural as it would’ve been I guess, had she been birthed my me, we were introduced to this added part in our lives.
Each holiday season I am reminded of the child I lost, the one I gained (we were placed, coincidentally, in early December) only to realize I also “lost” her, and then to gain again, one I never expected. I see her peers and others, whose children are her age, how far she has come along but also I mostly see how far she has been left behind. I see in others, how my life could’ve been, but isn’t. And I wonder, every year how different life would be if only I didn’t miscarry and couldn’t have children while feeling guilty for the thoughts to the one I love so deeply. Sometimes I hate the holidays but we have created our own traditions and I try to be as present as I can especially since we have pretty much taken over the celebrations from my parents. I know their time is not nearly as long as I used to think it was. I’m all over the place. Sorry. Thank you for this.