Social media has definitely changed our expectations as consumers, in a broad sense. Brands became more accessible and transparent and that was important to build brand loyalty. It’s how we built our food business in the beginning. This has trickled down to artists. Not surprising since social media has pushed so many to become personal brands. I think the pendulum might be swinging the other way though.
Oh Jenna - I can relate to so much of this. Grief and hibernating. Feeling stuck. Appreciating the snow (sometimes just through my window!). So much about this time of life is change and sometimes I feel almost dizzy from it.
Empty nest is a thing alright. It took me a long long time to move past it. I missed my boys so much. I kind of still do! Anyway I'm all about the hibernating, it's part of the natural cycle of life. I'm reading and listening and watching. Everything in its time.
We all need rest. There's a reason why so much of nature hibernates and we can learn from it. Re: empty nest. I'm already looking out for the boomerang if the older kid moves back home when she graduates next year and I can't yet wrap my head around that either!
Oooof this one lands for me. The state of the world on top of this physical transformation has me constantly stepping back from anything that feels performative. It’s not that I feel invisible anymore… I feel deeply that I still have something important to bring to the conversation—whatever that may be. Instead I feel like we’re building powerfully—out of view—in seed and soil and soul and what’s next will unfurl.
I dreamt about a butterfly the other night and woke up feeling disturbed. My husband was like “Why? Butterflies are beautiful.” I couldn’t explain it but now I’m kinda like “Was I dreaming about menopause and metamorphosis???” 🦋
Love the metamorphosis metaphor. I feel the pressure to come out of cocooning and show up cognizable in my previous state. But I have to remind myself the beauty of the process is breaking everything down and reforming into my next evolution, not necessarily becoming caterpillar 2.0.
100% this. I think this is why it's so hard. It's not necessarily a 2.0 version of yourself. Maybe you know what you'd want to change, improve, blah blah, if that was the case. But when you're in a moment of transformation—and I do think that menopause is such a moment—it feels a bit like you're unmoored. That brings with it a lot of possibilities and opportunities, but it's also overwhelming.
I feel you on this shift away from needing to prove yourself. It’s not that the urge to do it is totally gone, but somehow its emotional rewards aren’t there the way they used to be, and I think that’s a hormonal thing. My family’s younger than yours, but it’s been fascinating watching my girls go through puberty while I’m in perimenopause, because I see how they’re becoming more externally motivated -- more sensitive to their social position, more emotionally rewarded if they live up to standards -- at the same time as I’m doing the opposite. I like my end of the shift better. My previous life had too much social anxiety, so I’m actually finding it easier to write now that that’s been turned down a bit and also now that I’m not saying yes to as many community things.
I wish there were a wise and brilliant conclusion to the story of seeing your old friend, though. My high school best friend’s birthday is coming up and I know she’d appreciate a card and an update from me, but I keep getting stuck on what to say. We were friends back when we were smart and driven. Now I’m not driven and I let other people play the role of smart (they really seem to enjoy it, bless their hearts). The shape of my life still has a lot to do with what the people in my family are up to, but I’m 100% not going to write my friend one of those mom letters about how my family is doing, especially because she doesn’t have a family herself. I hate making small talk with someone who used to be close. But if she’s in perimenopause, too, I wonder how her ambitions might be changing.
Our priorities shift as we get older. And I'm so glad! Many of us can't sustain that level of energy and time to things that were important. This is how we evolve.
The friend anecdote was a tiny part of a conversation under very tragic circumstances. It was almost out of place that it was even briefly discussed. But yes, I think many women's ambitions change. So far I haven't met anyone yet where it hasn't.
I wonder sometimes if there's a psychic downside (or certainly at least a strong effect!) of having grown into adulthood in LA, where it does get slightly cooler in the winter, but we certainly don't have any external signs of wintering or hibernation. If anything, winter (if that's what this time period is) feels busier because it's probably the most pleasant weather to be outside in -- 70s instead of 90s.
Your hibernation period sounds so valuable, and I really appreciate you thoughtfully grappling with it in this arena. But it also feels so alien to me as I gaze out into the daily bright sunshine that -- for better or worse -- we don't really get a break from.
That is interesting. Admittedly, I never thought about that for people in temperate climates without distinct seasons. But wintering is a mindset I think, so maybe yours happens the opposite time when it’s really hot? I don’t know. The four seasons are so integral to everything - my body rhythms, sleep, mood, internal yearly clock. It would be hard to imagine, but the body is amazing and I guess you just get used to it.
Yes to being in the cocooning phase. I agree that the end of day to day mothering brings grief and a sense of loss. And I think the random paper cutting is symbolic of you cutting away what isn't serving you in this phase of life. Soon, when you're done cocooning, you'll be left with the essence of what you want.
Thank you for that metaphor, Leslie—I like it. I keep going back to the desk and rearranging the paper. Like some funny puzzle I’m working on everyday.
Thank you Marko! No, I never did commercial illustration, I mean tangentially for a few things as a designer. I have a whole complicated history of art that I’ve written extensively about here the last two years.
I have a long history as a working artist - though life has led me away from my paints and pastels to the zen of writing as a path of self-knowledge. Can you link me to a starting place in your story? I am curious.
Basically, I dropped out of art school after 3 years, went back to study music, got my masters in art & tech, and then basically stopped doing any art for 25 years while I raised kids and became a breadwinner. 🙂
Hey Thanks Jenna - I appreciate your sleuthing! I look forward to learning more about your story. I totally identify with your progression - artist - to parent and breadwinner. At this point in my work, I am interested in the "What's next" chapter of people's lives when they have some breathing room to decide - "How do I want to spend the rest of my (precious) life.
A couple of years ago I could barely write at all, and I started sewing to give that other part of my mind a break, especially after feeling burnt out by conventional jobs, parenthood, etc. I feel like I'm still coming out of that period of kind of wandering off and it scares and frustrates me, but it's also opened up a lot of cool new things for me. Plus, my writing is slowly—so slowly—returning. Thanks for writing this.
I hope you find your writing voice, but it sounds like you’re engaging other parts of your creative energy and it’s paying off in unexpected ways. I feel a similar parallel with art. Still waiting to find my voice but writing has filled that void. The only pressure is our own internal one, I think.
I might be the only one who hadn't heard of the metaphor of a caterpillar and puberty or its parallel counterpart (love your choice of the preceding two words here), a caterpillar and menopause, so it struck me pretty hard after watching that video for the first time too. To add a little support for your hibernating and upcoming metamorphosis: I had planned to write something about watching Japanese and Korean soccer last July, a week after I got back to the States, but I couldn't find the angle I wanted for it, so I shelved it. I returned to it in December to see if I could make something work for my summer visit and the end of their regular seasons, but I still couldn't find the takeaways I wanted to write about. I finally got it around it last week, when the new seasons began in Japan and Korea -- seven months later -- but I was really proud of finally finding what I wanted to say and took away from those experiences. Like you said, I just needed the time to marinate (I'm the food metaphor guy) those thoughts and observations and feelings of being in the moment back in July and finally have enough distance this month to find the right words and ideas. If you choose to share what you create later, I can't wait to see what you make.
Social media has definitely changed our expectations as consumers, in a broad sense. Brands became more accessible and transparent and that was important to build brand loyalty. It’s how we built our food business in the beginning. This has trickled down to artists. Not surprising since social media has pushed so many to become personal brands. I think the pendulum might be swinging the other way though.
This, and everything you write, is beautiful. 🤩
That is such a generous and kind comment, thank you.
Oh Jenna - I can relate to so much of this. Grief and hibernating. Feeling stuck. Appreciating the snow (sometimes just through my window!). So much about this time of life is change and sometimes I feel almost dizzy from it.
yep yep yep. Reminds me. We've been trying to get together for 10 years hahaha. Maybe we can make that happen.
yes!!
I feel like I have been fighting the urge to hibernate all winter, but maybe I should just give in to it :) Lovely piece!
Give in the meh, Jonathan. It's not that bad here, haha.
Empty nest is a thing alright. It took me a long long time to move past it. I missed my boys so much. I kind of still do! Anyway I'm all about the hibernating, it's part of the natural cycle of life. I'm reading and listening and watching. Everything in its time.
Beautiful post.
We all need rest. There's a reason why so much of nature hibernates and we can learn from it. Re: empty nest. I'm already looking out for the boomerang if the older kid moves back home when she graduates next year and I can't yet wrap my head around that either!
I've already been informed there will be no boomeranging because my rural internet is too slow. 😏 They've gotten spoiled in the big city.
Ha! We live in Brooklyn, so the boomerang possibility is quite high. 😅
Oooof this one lands for me. The state of the world on top of this physical transformation has me constantly stepping back from anything that feels performative. It’s not that I feel invisible anymore… I feel deeply that I still have something important to bring to the conversation—whatever that may be. Instead I feel like we’re building powerfully—out of view—in seed and soil and soul and what’s next will unfurl.
Quietly, out of view, behind the scenes. Maybe that's the next thing.
Sounds sweetly subversive
I dreamt about a butterfly the other night and woke up feeling disturbed. My husband was like “Why? Butterflies are beautiful.” I couldn’t explain it but now I’m kinda like “Was I dreaming about menopause and metamorphosis???” 🦋
Maybe, Lynn! Funny timing! And if anyone watches a video of metamorphosis, it IS actually disturbing to see.
Love the metamorphosis metaphor. I feel the pressure to come out of cocooning and show up cognizable in my previous state. But I have to remind myself the beauty of the process is breaking everything down and reforming into my next evolution, not necessarily becoming caterpillar 2.0.
100% this. I think this is why it's so hard. It's not necessarily a 2.0 version of yourself. Maybe you know what you'd want to change, improve, blah blah, if that was the case. But when you're in a moment of transformation—and I do think that menopause is such a moment—it feels a bit like you're unmoored. That brings with it a lot of possibilities and opportunities, but it's also overwhelming.
I feel you on this shift away from needing to prove yourself. It’s not that the urge to do it is totally gone, but somehow its emotional rewards aren’t there the way they used to be, and I think that’s a hormonal thing. My family’s younger than yours, but it’s been fascinating watching my girls go through puberty while I’m in perimenopause, because I see how they’re becoming more externally motivated -- more sensitive to their social position, more emotionally rewarded if they live up to standards -- at the same time as I’m doing the opposite. I like my end of the shift better. My previous life had too much social anxiety, so I’m actually finding it easier to write now that that’s been turned down a bit and also now that I’m not saying yes to as many community things.
I wish there were a wise and brilliant conclusion to the story of seeing your old friend, though. My high school best friend’s birthday is coming up and I know she’d appreciate a card and an update from me, but I keep getting stuck on what to say. We were friends back when we were smart and driven. Now I’m not driven and I let other people play the role of smart (they really seem to enjoy it, bless their hearts). The shape of my life still has a lot to do with what the people in my family are up to, but I’m 100% not going to write my friend one of those mom letters about how my family is doing, especially because she doesn’t have a family herself. I hate making small talk with someone who used to be close. But if she’s in perimenopause, too, I wonder how her ambitions might be changing.
Our priorities shift as we get older. And I'm so glad! Many of us can't sustain that level of energy and time to things that were important. This is how we evolve.
The friend anecdote was a tiny part of a conversation under very tragic circumstances. It was almost out of place that it was even briefly discussed. But yes, I think many women's ambitions change. So far I haven't met anyone yet where it hasn't.
I wonder sometimes if there's a psychic downside (or certainly at least a strong effect!) of having grown into adulthood in LA, where it does get slightly cooler in the winter, but we certainly don't have any external signs of wintering or hibernation. If anything, winter (if that's what this time period is) feels busier because it's probably the most pleasant weather to be outside in -- 70s instead of 90s.
Your hibernation period sounds so valuable, and I really appreciate you thoughtfully grappling with it in this arena. But it also feels so alien to me as I gaze out into the daily bright sunshine that -- for better or worse -- we don't really get a break from.
That is interesting. Admittedly, I never thought about that for people in temperate climates without distinct seasons. But wintering is a mindset I think, so maybe yours happens the opposite time when it’s really hot? I don’t know. The four seasons are so integral to everything - my body rhythms, sleep, mood, internal yearly clock. It would be hard to imagine, but the body is amazing and I guess you just get used to it.
Yes to being in the cocooning phase. I agree that the end of day to day mothering brings grief and a sense of loss. And I think the random paper cutting is symbolic of you cutting away what isn't serving you in this phase of life. Soon, when you're done cocooning, you'll be left with the essence of what you want.
Thank you for that metaphor, Leslie—I like it. I keep going back to the desk and rearranging the paper. Like some funny puzzle I’m working on everyday.
Really nice piece Jenna - loved the flower sketches and the hibernation meditation. Did you use to do commercial illustration?
Thank you Marko! No, I never did commercial illustration, I mean tangentially for a few things as a designer. I have a whole complicated history of art that I’ve written extensively about here the last two years.
I have a long history as a working artist - though life has led me away from my paints and pastels to the zen of writing as a path of self-knowledge. Can you link me to a starting place in your story? I am curious.
I had to go searching 😬. I put this behind a paywall at some point, but here:
https://jennapark.substack.com/p/quitting-and-returning-to-art-32years-later
And this:
https://jennapark.substack.com/p/what-does-it-mean-to-be-an-artist
I wrote this when I left my career:
https://jennapark.substack.com/p/an-end-to-a-career
Basically, I dropped out of art school after 3 years, went back to study music, got my masters in art & tech, and then basically stopped doing any art for 25 years while I raised kids and became a breadwinner. 🙂
Hey Thanks Jenna - I appreciate your sleuthing! I look forward to learning more about your story. I totally identify with your progression - artist - to parent and breadwinner. At this point in my work, I am interested in the "What's next" chapter of people's lives when they have some breathing room to decide - "How do I want to spend the rest of my (precious) life.
Yep, that's me over here.
That’s so cool that you got to see the Nick Cave exhibition. I love his work!
Yes! The details are so delicious to spend time over in person. Going to bring my kid back when she’s home for Spring break.
I saw a wonderful exhibition of his Soundsuits at Seattle Art Museum about 12ish years ago.
A couple of years ago I could barely write at all, and I started sewing to give that other part of my mind a break, especially after feeling burnt out by conventional jobs, parenthood, etc. I feel like I'm still coming out of that period of kind of wandering off and it scares and frustrates me, but it's also opened up a lot of cool new things for me. Plus, my writing is slowly—so slowly—returning. Thanks for writing this.
I hope you find your writing voice, but it sounds like you’re engaging other parts of your creative energy and it’s paying off in unexpected ways. I feel a similar parallel with art. Still waiting to find my voice but writing has filled that void. The only pressure is our own internal one, I think.
Yes to that internal pressure!
I might be the only one who hadn't heard of the metaphor of a caterpillar and puberty or its parallel counterpart (love your choice of the preceding two words here), a caterpillar and menopause, so it struck me pretty hard after watching that video for the first time too. To add a little support for your hibernating and upcoming metamorphosis: I had planned to write something about watching Japanese and Korean soccer last July, a week after I got back to the States, but I couldn't find the angle I wanted for it, so I shelved it. I returned to it in December to see if I could make something work for my summer visit and the end of their regular seasons, but I still couldn't find the takeaways I wanted to write about. I finally got it around it last week, when the new seasons began in Japan and Korea -- seven months later -- but I was really proud of finally finding what I wanted to say and took away from those experiences. Like you said, I just needed the time to marinate (I'm the food metaphor guy) those thoughts and observations and feelings of being in the moment back in July and finally have enough distance this month to find the right words and ideas. If you choose to share what you create later, I can't wait to see what you make.
Sometimes distance and time is what we need. I'm glad to har you found the words and your voice. Often, self directed pressure is our worst enemy.
This essay feels like a deep, cleansing breath.
Thank you for reading. And what a wonderful comment to read today.