As someone born and raised in mainland china then spent all of her adult life in western society, I completely feel and agree with you Jenna.
My mum was the eldest out of 8 children. My mum always wanted me to be a boy, as much as she loved me, which caused much strain in our relationship. It wasn't until last year my aging mum revealed that the "second" child my grandparents had was a baby girl , and she was abandoned a couple days after birth, which was very common in China in the 50s.
I couldn't imagine the trauma that my mum had been through, knowing that she was kept alive only because she was the first born.
Sex election is wrong, in any shape or form.
Yet, how to respect women and teach young women is a much tougher task. Because today, in mainland China, 50% abortion are from young women under age 25.
A Swiss friend of mine working for NGOs and invited me to work with her on sex trauma healing in mainland China . I told her I didn't have the strength to tackle the task, too heavy for me.
Appreciate the comment here. Thank you for sharing a bit about your family. There's SO MUCH trauma around gender, family honor, and familial expectations. It's fractured relationships in my family. My mom doesn't even know for sure just how many half siblings she has. I was surprised when I learned that sex selection via IVF was legal here in the U.S. and some other countries. It raises questions of how many are doing it not for fertility issues, but to select the sex of their babies. I just never even thought about it! And I agree, the topic is very heavy to base your life around the research.
The global fertility market was valued at US$34·7 billion in 2023 and is projected to grow to 62·8 billion in just 10 years.
There is no better mirror than fertility industry to see through the human desires, struggles, the pure, and the evil.
Thank you so much for writing such a genuine yet insightful piece. Upon waking up this morning, I felt my wound from the gender injustice healed a bit more. 🩵
I was thrilled to be the father of two girls. Then I had a son, ten years after my older girl. I was still thrilled. But the girls were underwhelmed for the first 15 years or so. I think they've grown to like him now that he's twenty.
That sounds just like my uncle (the son my grandmother always wanted). Two girls and then a son 10 years later. I'm pretty sure my cousins like their baby brother too 😀
Again, such a great piece. I can't even think of where to start with a comment that doesn't sound bonkers except that to concur that my mom was excessively punitive with her daughters and punishment was non-existent for her son. It's such a weird concept to me that some women take out life's frustrations on their daughters.
Yeah, they do because they're conditioned by societal, cultural, and familial duty and expectations, passed through generations. This essay was cynical, but I do have to concede that it IS progress in that regard.
This has been so much on my mind lately! Thank you so much for writing and researching about it.
When we first found out we were having a girl at week 10 through a blood test, my MIL did not completely trust it (never mind that she is a physician herself lol). She was hoping that the test was not 100% accurate. By the time we did the ultrasound scan at week 20, she still asked if the gender was confirmed, even though we had already told her 10 weeks prior. Even now, she still tells her friends that"maybe" it's a girl and assures us that "A girl is good too, because an older sister could take care of a younger brother." This comment itself is just so problematic on so many levels. I know she will love her granddaughter dearly but the fact that she clearly shows a preference for a boy bothers me so much. I just couldn't believe that we are in this century, and these things still come up so close to home.
Firstly, yay a girl! Second, I'm sorry that you are dealing with such microagressions! So frustrating. But as I commented above, some of the older generations are stuck rooted in such backwards thinking, but I imagine it's hard to disentangle oneself from that way of thinking when cultural and societal structures have been ingrained for so long. But you would think that some people would just keep it to themselves, at least!
This is such good writing, Jenna. Everything that I thought about commenting on as I read, you addressed in a subsequent paragraph: from the bare minimum of parenting shown by "girl dads" for the social media clout, to how the preference for daughters over sons these days feels like an avoidance of responsibility to raise sons who are empathetic and sensible and supportive of the women around them.
On one side of my family, my grandparents had a similar path of having three daughters before getting their long-sought-after son, who was the treated like royalty compared to the daughters. Even though I knew about it in my family history and at least theoretically with my awareness of the one-child policy, it was jarring to read the individual consequences you wrote about here: the kicked daughter, that photograph of the abandoned newborn girl, the 50 million girls lost before they could enter this world. So many tragedies here.
Thanks, Bryan. It was so interesting to dig deep into this issue and tie it into my own family history. It all has consequences. In much of Asia the ratio is so skewed that there aren't enough women for marriages, or, as in Korea, women are just refusing marriage and children altogether. I keep thinking about this point that it's the first time ever in history for girl baby preferences. That is wild to me — and we're still fighting for equality.
Thank you for talking about this. I live in China (~30 years), I have two kids (boys), and witness firsthand the cultural biases that still contrive to damage families, scar relationships, and generally hold back society. I’m glad things are changing; staying in place should be unacceptable, and that’s commendable. But it is coming too much still from a place of selfishness, a fear of “who will take care of me?”, as if children are a property. This is not limited to China at all, of course, my own European heritage also has problems. Pointing to it, talking about it, get conscious thought going, that is what allows escape from these old patterns. 🙏
Thanks for your comment, Paul. Appreciate you sharing your observations from the ground in China. With birthrate down across Asia, I would hope that girl babies are cherished and celebrated as equally as boys. It's amazing how many generations it takes to shift mindsets and now much cultural bias gets passed down.
I was surprised, but excited when my second was another daughter, but I feel I was made to be a girl mom. I am so glad they have each other. Like you, I always felt my miscarriage during my second pregnancy was a son, and like to believe he went on to be with my dad, who never got to become a grandfather.
My kids were close playmates when they were young. Of course, gender doesn’t predict this at all! But I was so grateful they had each other. And yes, the miscarried child. Sometimes till wonder what if? But then we wouldn’t have the kid that was born which I can’t imagine. ❤️
When we discovered my first child was a boy, we were surprised because we somehow thought it would be a girl; we subconsciously wanted one.
I think I wanted a girl because I had no experience with boys while growing up. I have only one sister, and I went to an all-girls school. I have no idea what to expect from them; my only memory is that they were loud and dirty 😂
And as a woman, I imagine I can relate better to another woman?
But now that I have my son, I am learning to appreciate him for who he is every day. And learning things about being boys or just kids.
My second was a daughter, and I must admit it was a happy surprise (the second time we did not want to know before birth).
I raise them without gender expectations, I try to remain neutral and child-led, but I cannot shield them forever from social expectations and external influences. I can, however, raise them with awareness and the critical thinking to question it.
That’s beautiful Rachel. I would like to think that I raised them without any gender expectations. There were some moments where I had to face some of my own deep-rooted stereotypes that I thought I had shaken off. Parenting makes you confront so much of yourself.
I share much of the skepticism you have about modern views on parenting. Much of that is simply BS.
Both boys and girls are great. What’s more meaningful is how much you engage with your kids to the best of your abilities and pray that they turn out well.
If not, don’t blame yourself too much. They are their own person after all and choose their own destinies 😂
The picture of you and your grandma is SO precious. Your grandma is stunning! Thank you Jenna for sharing some of your family's stories and providing background perspective.
"Women didn’t hold any social power, so they held their repressed rage in silence"—it's hard to imagine living through those traumatic experiences and carrying them day after day into old age. The fertility and childbearing judgement and control women faced are particularly horrendous to hear about but important to remember.
My parents' sides of my family favored boys and girls differently. My dad's side favored girls. My grandpa's only sister in a family of seven kids was the one who inherited the farm. My mom's side favored boys. Things were especially bad for girls like my mom's mom, who grew up in rural Louisiana.
I grew up the only girl with three brothers. Dad was harder on my brothers. Mom expected less of them. I used to hear Mom tell people that after she had me, although she loved me very much, she prayed for a boy the next time—one girl was enough. I was nicknamed "devil woman." Maybe I was a handful but I think it had more to do with my mom having expectations that girls were supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. Expectations are often problematic.
I had a girl, followed by three boys. Parenting with fewer predetermined expectations and loving each for who they are and who they're becoming is what I've learned (after making my share of mistakes of course). Each child is so different; they change and develop on different schedules, and gender differences are often overstated and may not align with any one kid.
Meeting kids where they're at in education and differentiating to meet individual needs seem a better way to center discussions. If statistics show boys struggling, then of course we should do things to help, and of course, it would also help girls who are struggling in the same way.
Sorry for loading up your comments with all this. Your post really resonated, per usual!
No, thank you for this thoughtful comment! It's always nice to hear more from you. My experience is coming from the Asianperspective so it's always interesting to hear from others!
Thank you so much, Terri!
As someone born and raised in mainland china then spent all of her adult life in western society, I completely feel and agree with you Jenna.
My mum was the eldest out of 8 children. My mum always wanted me to be a boy, as much as she loved me, which caused much strain in our relationship. It wasn't until last year my aging mum revealed that the "second" child my grandparents had was a baby girl , and she was abandoned a couple days after birth, which was very common in China in the 50s.
I couldn't imagine the trauma that my mum had been through, knowing that she was kept alive only because she was the first born.
Sex election is wrong, in any shape or form.
Yet, how to respect women and teach young women is a much tougher task. Because today, in mainland China, 50% abortion are from young women under age 25.
A Swiss friend of mine working for NGOs and invited me to work with her on sex trauma healing in mainland China . I told her I didn't have the strength to tackle the task, too heavy for me.
Appreciate the comment here. Thank you for sharing a bit about your family. There's SO MUCH trauma around gender, family honor, and familial expectations. It's fractured relationships in my family. My mom doesn't even know for sure just how many half siblings she has. I was surprised when I learned that sex selection via IVF was legal here in the U.S. and some other countries. It raises questions of how many are doing it not for fertility issues, but to select the sex of their babies. I just never even thought about it! And I agree, the topic is very heavy to base your life around the research.
The global fertility market was valued at US$34·7 billion in 2023 and is projected to grow to 62·8 billion in just 10 years.
There is no better mirror than fertility industry to see through the human desires, struggles, the pure, and the evil.
Thank you so much for writing such a genuine yet insightful piece. Upon waking up this morning, I felt my wound from the gender injustice healed a bit more. 🩵
💕
I was thrilled to be the father of two girls. Then I had a son, ten years after my older girl. I was still thrilled. But the girls were underwhelmed for the first 15 years or so. I think they've grown to like him now that he's twenty.
That sounds just like my uncle (the son my grandmother always wanted). Two girls and then a son 10 years later. I'm pretty sure my cousins like their baby brother too 😀
Again, such a great piece. I can't even think of where to start with a comment that doesn't sound bonkers except that to concur that my mom was excessively punitive with her daughters and punishment was non-existent for her son. It's such a weird concept to me that some women take out life's frustrations on their daughters.
Yeah, they do because they're conditioned by societal, cultural, and familial duty and expectations, passed through generations. This essay was cynical, but I do have to concede that it IS progress in that regard.
This has been so much on my mind lately! Thank you so much for writing and researching about it.
When we first found out we were having a girl at week 10 through a blood test, my MIL did not completely trust it (never mind that she is a physician herself lol). She was hoping that the test was not 100% accurate. By the time we did the ultrasound scan at week 20, she still asked if the gender was confirmed, even though we had already told her 10 weeks prior. Even now, she still tells her friends that"maybe" it's a girl and assures us that "A girl is good too, because an older sister could take care of a younger brother." This comment itself is just so problematic on so many levels. I know she will love her granddaughter dearly but the fact that she clearly shows a preference for a boy bothers me so much. I just couldn't believe that we are in this century, and these things still come up so close to home.
Firstly, yay a girl! Second, I'm sorry that you are dealing with such microagressions! So frustrating. But as I commented above, some of the older generations are stuck rooted in such backwards thinking, but I imagine it's hard to disentangle oneself from that way of thinking when cultural and societal structures have been ingrained for so long. But you would think that some people would just keep it to themselves, at least!
This is such good writing, Jenna. Everything that I thought about commenting on as I read, you addressed in a subsequent paragraph: from the bare minimum of parenting shown by "girl dads" for the social media clout, to how the preference for daughters over sons these days feels like an avoidance of responsibility to raise sons who are empathetic and sensible and supportive of the women around them.
On one side of my family, my grandparents had a similar path of having three daughters before getting their long-sought-after son, who was the treated like royalty compared to the daughters. Even though I knew about it in my family history and at least theoretically with my awareness of the one-child policy, it was jarring to read the individual consequences you wrote about here: the kicked daughter, that photograph of the abandoned newborn girl, the 50 million girls lost before they could enter this world. So many tragedies here.
Thanks, Bryan. It was so interesting to dig deep into this issue and tie it into my own family history. It all has consequences. In much of Asia the ratio is so skewed that there aren't enough women for marriages, or, as in Korea, women are just refusing marriage and children altogether. I keep thinking about this point that it's the first time ever in history for girl baby preferences. That is wild to me — and we're still fighting for equality.
Thank you for talking about this. I live in China (~30 years), I have two kids (boys), and witness firsthand the cultural biases that still contrive to damage families, scar relationships, and generally hold back society. I’m glad things are changing; staying in place should be unacceptable, and that’s commendable. But it is coming too much still from a place of selfishness, a fear of “who will take care of me?”, as if children are a property. This is not limited to China at all, of course, my own European heritage also has problems. Pointing to it, talking about it, get conscious thought going, that is what allows escape from these old patterns. 🙏
Thanks for your comment, Paul. Appreciate you sharing your observations from the ground in China. With birthrate down across Asia, I would hope that girl babies are cherished and celebrated as equally as boys. It's amazing how many generations it takes to shift mindsets and now much cultural bias gets passed down.
The birthrate is a real challenge for China; I don’t expect any policy solutions to be effective. As you say, mindsets are slow to change. 🙏
I was surprised, but excited when my second was another daughter, but I feel I was made to be a girl mom. I am so glad they have each other. Like you, I always felt my miscarriage during my second pregnancy was a son, and like to believe he went on to be with my dad, who never got to become a grandfather.
My kids were close playmates when they were young. Of course, gender doesn’t predict this at all! But I was so grateful they had each other. And yes, the miscarried child. Sometimes till wonder what if? But then we wouldn’t have the kid that was born which I can’t imagine. ❤️
When we discovered my first child was a boy, we were surprised because we somehow thought it would be a girl; we subconsciously wanted one.
I think I wanted a girl because I had no experience with boys while growing up. I have only one sister, and I went to an all-girls school. I have no idea what to expect from them; my only memory is that they were loud and dirty 😂
And as a woman, I imagine I can relate better to another woman?
But now that I have my son, I am learning to appreciate him for who he is every day. And learning things about being boys or just kids.
My second was a daughter, and I must admit it was a happy surprise (the second time we did not want to know before birth).
I raise them without gender expectations, I try to remain neutral and child-led, but I cannot shield them forever from social expectations and external influences. I can, however, raise them with awareness and the critical thinking to question it.
That’s beautiful Rachel. I would like to think that I raised them without any gender expectations. There were some moments where I had to face some of my own deep-rooted stereotypes that I thought I had shaken off. Parenting makes you confront so much of yourself.
Totally. They bring out the best and worst in us, but there is always a chance to reflect, learn, and grow together!
I share much of the skepticism you have about modern views on parenting. Much of that is simply BS.
Both boys and girls are great. What’s more meaningful is how much you engage with your kids to the best of your abilities and pray that they turn out well.
If not, don’t blame yourself too much. They are their own person after all and choose their own destinies 😂
Ha, they are definitely their own people. My kids reminds me every day. 😂
The picture of you and your grandma is SO precious. Your grandma is stunning! Thank you Jenna for sharing some of your family's stories and providing background perspective.
"Women didn’t hold any social power, so they held their repressed rage in silence"—it's hard to imagine living through those traumatic experiences and carrying them day after day into old age. The fertility and childbearing judgement and control women faced are particularly horrendous to hear about but important to remember.
My parents' sides of my family favored boys and girls differently. My dad's side favored girls. My grandpa's only sister in a family of seven kids was the one who inherited the farm. My mom's side favored boys. Things were especially bad for girls like my mom's mom, who grew up in rural Louisiana.
I grew up the only girl with three brothers. Dad was harder on my brothers. Mom expected less of them. I used to hear Mom tell people that after she had me, although she loved me very much, she prayed for a boy the next time—one girl was enough. I was nicknamed "devil woman." Maybe I was a handful but I think it had more to do with my mom having expectations that girls were supposed to be sugar and spice and everything nice. Expectations are often problematic.
I had a girl, followed by three boys. Parenting with fewer predetermined expectations and loving each for who they are and who they're becoming is what I've learned (after making my share of mistakes of course). Each child is so different; they change and develop on different schedules, and gender differences are often overstated and may not align with any one kid.
Meeting kids where they're at in education and differentiating to meet individual needs seem a better way to center discussions. If statistics show boys struggling, then of course we should do things to help, and of course, it would also help girls who are struggling in the same way.
Sorry for loading up your comments with all this. Your post really resonated, per usual!
No, thank you for this thoughtful comment! It's always nice to hear more from you. My experience is coming from the Asianperspective so it's always interesting to hear from others!