Separate beds is definitely worth exploring if it can help with your sleep. When my wife and I switched to separate beds, I was resistant. She is Japanese, so it's common to have separate beds, but for me being raised in the US, I thought it was odd, and I even hid the fact that we had two beds for a few years. But now I am a huge proponent. We have such different sleep schedules and styles, that it made sense for us.
I read the paragraph towards the end with the phrases "We have not resorted to...", "managed to stay the course", and "ignore the fact". I had a similar resistance to sleeping separately, but now I realize it was a very wise choice for us. However you decide to go forward, I am hoping for the continued, improving sleep!
Barron, just curious if I may ask - how long ago did you switch to separate beds? Yes, I say that now because I'm on a good track with sleeping these days, but I know that even if something works now, it may not work at some point (I see this with my mom all the time who still struggles with her sleep), so I'm keeping things open.
I had the same issue. Perimenopause and so much sleep issues. Barely getting more than 5-6 hours a night. I started taking Magnesium complex and I'm finally able to get a decent 7-8 hrs now. I'm still trying for 10, which is the recommended sleep time for women!
I take all of the supplements. Before this summer, I would have loved to get 5-6 hours. I would say 6 hours is a decent win for me still. 10 hours?? 😱 I suppose like many things, the amount of sleep you need is different for each person.
I know 10 hrs crazy! But I learned all the sleep studies, in fact a lot of health studies were only done on men and we're just learning that women need more sleep than men!
yeah, this is true. Not a lot of studies on menopause either. But still, 10 hours just seems nuts, particularly since many of us seem to sleep less as we get older. Why 10 hours? What does the study say?
Because women use more of their brains than men. LOL! Which is 100% true. And hormones, we experience more distruption in our sleep so we need to sleep more.
Although I myself haven’t experienced what you’re describing, this is a very important topic and I’m glad you’re covering it. My wife is a weak sleeper and it sometimes really grinds my gears when I’m really tired and could fall asleep in a second yet all she wants to do is talk 😂 more than once I’ve fallen asleep to her talking. Also it’s the first i heard of the separate beds thing. Quite an interesting idea.
Apparently it was normal until about the 50s. I never really thought much about my parents or in-laws having separate rooms though I have no idea why I didn't make the connection. That book that was featured in the first link about the cultural history of twin beds sounds like a fascinating read.
Ditto the sleep problems (and midlife / perimenopause). I hate prescriptive comments and wellness advice, but ... lol. The combo of estrodiol in the morning and progesterone at night has worked for me in terms of many things, especially sleep. Godspeed, friend. These years are rough.
I have some progesterone on hand in case i need it, but so far my sleep has been progressing in a positive direction. I do wonder, because I believe I'm in menopause now, whether all that peri wackiness calms down a little bit 🤔
This doesn't solve any auditory issues, but one thing to consider might also be separate bedding in a shared bed. On a trip to Europe, I was introduced to double beds having two single duvets on them, one for each person, and I was very surprised by how much difference it made! The first time I semi-awoke because I could feel my partner shift and roll to his side, but then realized my own blanket did not move at all, and I wasn't suddenly having to snatch at the covers because my legs were exposed... it was revelatory! If you have any twin duvets in the house, it might be something to try out, or hell, just try it with two blankets where you just put the excess to the side!
This does help. I know when the kids have had to share beds in hotel rooms or when we're staying over somewhere that this is the only way they can share a bed. My MIL said she did this too. For some reason it seems less an issue at home, but I've started doing this when we stay over my mom's place. But mostly because she has Korean bedding and they are never quite large enough for queen beds. The sizing is off!
When I exclaimed about how cool it was to European locals, they seemed amazed that we do it any other way. Just one other way Americans are chalked up as heathens in their minds. ;)
I love that you are bringing this up. I am the bad sleeper (can be awoken by any small noise, take an hour to sleep and on and on) and my husband is the 1 minute to deep sleep. We've tried different bed times, lonely as that is, and that almost works. I'm gunning for different blankets at least. If I'm being honest, I'd absolutely love my own bedroom. He gets up at 5:30 every day, even the weekend. I never can really sleep in. He feels like I am not romantic and he "can't sleep without me". sigh. I'm wondering if we will have to really have some talks about who gets sleep priority. Feelings will be hurt, I think.
Yes, so you understand the early wakeup conflicts. I've managed to sleep through it, other wise my life would have been crazy with the two different wakeup calls for both my kids. I would set my alarm for 5:45 as a backup for the older one who had to leave the house at 6:45 for school and then go back to sleep and set the alarm again for 7:15 for the younger one. No wonder it was such a mess.
Well, this was why twin beds went out of fashion at some point. It became a sign of relationship dysfunction if married couples slept apart, but I would think that it would save some marriages ha!
Glad that you're sleeping better!! I dont like sharing a room for more than a few nights, not just because i wouldnt sleep well (and i go to thé bathroom twice per night, so it probably works the other way round) and i need private space - very litterally a room of my own
I can see that. Having your own space feels so important for our sanity. In a city where apartments are smaller than houses, this can be a challenge. And maybe this is a luxury since much of the world cohabitates and lives in multi-generational situations. I don't know...I'm rambling 😬
I feel you! I am trying to reclaim my sleep now that my youngest is almost 3. My loved ones used to joke that I can sleep through an earthquake. That special skill has deserted me once my eldest was born. I now wake at every peep they made. So, after my 2 weeks break without them (I know, right!), I realized, wow I slept so much better then, I started using earplugs now as my first attempt. It is helping in some ways, at least I don't wake at every sound or cries they made in their sleep, but I think I could still work on other sleep hygiene practices - go to bed the same time each night, no screens before bed, calming activities before sleep like reading. I try to aim for 8 hours "asleep", but as my fitness watch tells me, I only clock in around 7 hours of sleep when I do.
I too relish the midnight quietness, I am more a night owl than an early bird, but I reluctantly give that up because I know how important sleep is...
My husband and I sleep on two single beds that is fitted into a king size bed frame. It's the German way—they believe that every body needs different kind of mattress! I was reluctant too at first but now I find it a great compromise, separate mattress but still together...it may not solve all the problems, but nobody is fighting to keep their blanket (which my husband then bf love to roll wrap and steal it away at night and we have separate needs for blankets too), and no waking up from mattress movement.
2 twin beds on a king size frame is interesting and probably solves a lot of issues with sharing a bed. I sleep with earplugs sometimes too and yes, having a consistent bed time is really critical, I'm learning. I am happy to hear that you're addressing sleep issues early on. I think for me, I just ignored it and thus...my years of bad sleep habits!
Thank you for sharing this. I never had problems sleeping at least 7 or 8 hours every night but once I hit my mid 40s (I turn 50 next month) my sleep has been terrible. My boyfriend works away during the week and I never go to bed until after midnight I think because I’m on my own. When he’s here he likes to go to bed by 10pm and I think that’s when everything is starting on TV 🤣 I do go up with him and find myself reading, again until after midnight. I wake in the night for the bathroom about 3am then I’m up at 7am for work. I average 6 hours a night but would prefer 8. My parents only sleep about 5 hours and they are in their 70s and very active each day. I go on holiday and can sleep forever though. I find blackout curtains work well. Take me back to my 30s I could sleep 10 hours 😊
Yeah, mid-age is no joke for sleep issues. My parents only slept about 5 hours too and I am completely functional on 5 hours. I'm not even really tired which is why I never tried to do much about it, but this research connecting sleep to cognitive decline really scared me. So while I am sleeping earlier and now getting about 6ish hours, I also still wake up at least once most times. Not sure what to do about that!
I felt this so completely: “I was addicted to the quiet when those hours were all mine. When all the lights in the apartment flickered off at the end of the day, my evenings were just beginning while everyone drifted into sleep. No cries, no demands, interruptions or disruptions. Just myself and my thoughts alone.” I’m an empty nester now, but those days remain seared in my memory. That time was precious.
I’m 55 and have been divorced for 4 years now. I don’t think I ever want to go back to sharing my bed full time!
I secretly dread the day my partner and I finally move in together! I am such a light sleeper (although having the window open [I live in a somewhat busy street in SF]) is strangely calming). When I’m at my partner’s place over the weekend, I have to use earplugs (and sometimes pop melatonin or a teeny piece of edible) because he snores very loudly..and even then with industrial strength earplugs I sometimes take hours to fall asleep. The thought of sleeping in separate bedrooms is alluring for sure, but often feel anxiety thinking what that may do to my partner and I’s relationship (I’m working on that). Thank you for your beautiful words as always! Hoping more blissful, uninterrupted sleeps are on your horizon..
Oh this is tough. I believe sleep compatibility is no joke. And it evolves and changes as women go through menopause too and our sleep cycles get disrupted. It's not a coincidence that this is when both my mom and MIL slept started sleeping in separate rooms. I wish you much success is trying to figure it all out!
My friend has been sleeping in separate bedrooms for almost 5 years. She says it's been a game changer, and jokes that she should start a business as a lifestyle coach revolving around sleeping separately. I have been tossing around getting two twins and seeing how that goes, but I'm not sure if I want to invest in new beds just to see if it will help my sleep or not. But the idea of two separate covers sounds like a good in-between that I might be willing to try. My husband gets up at 4 am every morning to get ready for work. If he has to go in early, it's 2 am. My alarm is set for 5:45, but I'm also a light sleeper, always have been, and much more so now as I'm that *menopausal* phase of life. I, too, relish my time when everyone else is asleep, so I feel like I'm getting spurts of sleep which is really bad. Trying hard to change my ways and get to bed no later than 10:30 and be sleepy by 11:30. The aim is to eventually be asleep before 11... We'll see how it goes.
I think the business lifestyle coaching is actually a good idea. I've been talking to more people about it and I'm surprised at how this is actually a thing! Your schedule sounds a lot like mine was just two years ago with the 4am and 5:45 except after the 5:45 i would set my alarm again to 7:15 for the next kid and try to sleep in-between. No wonder my sleep was messed up. Good luck with the 2 covers. I think that it's a great interim idea.
HRT friend. I'm 53.75, struggled with poor sleep for 3 years until I got an Est.patch and pro cream 4 months ago. I had tried all the supplements, acupuncture, sleep hygiene etc. I sleep solid straight 8 hrs now. Calm and cheerful again.
Separate beds is definitely worth exploring if it can help with your sleep. When my wife and I switched to separate beds, I was resistant. She is Japanese, so it's common to have separate beds, but for me being raised in the US, I thought it was odd, and I even hid the fact that we had two beds for a few years. But now I am a huge proponent. We have such different sleep schedules and styles, that it made sense for us.
I read the paragraph towards the end with the phrases "We have not resorted to...", "managed to stay the course", and "ignore the fact". I had a similar resistance to sleeping separately, but now I realize it was a very wise choice for us. However you decide to go forward, I am hoping for the continued, improving sleep!
Barron, just curious if I may ask - how long ago did you switch to separate beds? Yes, I say that now because I'm on a good track with sleeping these days, but I know that even if something works now, it may not work at some point (I see this with my mom all the time who still struggles with her sleep), so I'm keeping things open.
I had the same issue. Perimenopause and so much sleep issues. Barely getting more than 5-6 hours a night. I started taking Magnesium complex and I'm finally able to get a decent 7-8 hrs now. I'm still trying for 10, which is the recommended sleep time for women!
I take all of the supplements. Before this summer, I would have loved to get 5-6 hours. I would say 6 hours is a decent win for me still. 10 hours?? 😱 I suppose like many things, the amount of sleep you need is different for each person.
I know 10 hrs crazy! But I learned all the sleep studies, in fact a lot of health studies were only done on men and we're just learning that women need more sleep than men!
yeah, this is true. Not a lot of studies on menopause either. But still, 10 hours just seems nuts, particularly since many of us seem to sleep less as we get older. Why 10 hours? What does the study say?
Because women use more of their brains than men. LOL! Which is 100% true. And hormones, we experience more distruption in our sleep so we need to sleep more.
hahaha. And TRUTH about the sleep disruptions, sheesh. So aggravating.
I totally feel you on footnote #3 (same situation) ... glad you are getting more sleep!
Are you the good sleeper or the sleepless?
Oh, the sleepless. But we took the separate beds plunge years ago and I am (mostly) sleeping great now.
Interesting. Maybe sleeping in separate beds is more common than I thought!
Although I myself haven’t experienced what you’re describing, this is a very important topic and I’m glad you’re covering it. My wife is a weak sleeper and it sometimes really grinds my gears when I’m really tired and could fall asleep in a second yet all she wants to do is talk 😂 more than once I’ve fallen asleep to her talking. Also it’s the first i heard of the separate beds thing. Quite an interesting idea.
Apparently it was normal until about the 50s. I never really thought much about my parents or in-laws having separate rooms though I have no idea why I didn't make the connection. That book that was featured in the first link about the cultural history of twin beds sounds like a fascinating read.
Ditto the sleep problems (and midlife / perimenopause). I hate prescriptive comments and wellness advice, but ... lol. The combo of estrodiol in the morning and progesterone at night has worked for me in terms of many things, especially sleep. Godspeed, friend. These years are rough.
I have some progesterone on hand in case i need it, but so far my sleep has been progressing in a positive direction. I do wonder, because I believe I'm in menopause now, whether all that peri wackiness calms down a little bit 🤔
Fingers crossed!
This is wonderful news!!!!! I love sleep so much if I miss any of it I’m a mess. I’m so happy you are getting more. It’s the best!
Thanks! I hope it lasts!!!!
This doesn't solve any auditory issues, but one thing to consider might also be separate bedding in a shared bed. On a trip to Europe, I was introduced to double beds having two single duvets on them, one for each person, and I was very surprised by how much difference it made! The first time I semi-awoke because I could feel my partner shift and roll to his side, but then realized my own blanket did not move at all, and I wasn't suddenly having to snatch at the covers because my legs were exposed... it was revelatory! If you have any twin duvets in the house, it might be something to try out, or hell, just try it with two blankets where you just put the excess to the side!
This does help. I know when the kids have had to share beds in hotel rooms or when we're staying over somewhere that this is the only way they can share a bed. My MIL said she did this too. For some reason it seems less an issue at home, but I've started doing this when we stay over my mom's place. But mostly because she has Korean bedding and they are never quite large enough for queen beds. The sizing is off!
When I exclaimed about how cool it was to European locals, they seemed amazed that we do it any other way. Just one other way Americans are chalked up as heathens in their minds. ;)
🤪 We like to make our lives difficult
I love that you are bringing this up. I am the bad sleeper (can be awoken by any small noise, take an hour to sleep and on and on) and my husband is the 1 minute to deep sleep. We've tried different bed times, lonely as that is, and that almost works. I'm gunning for different blankets at least. If I'm being honest, I'd absolutely love my own bedroom. He gets up at 5:30 every day, even the weekend. I never can really sleep in. He feels like I am not romantic and he "can't sleep without me". sigh. I'm wondering if we will have to really have some talks about who gets sleep priority. Feelings will be hurt, I think.
Yes, so you understand the early wakeup conflicts. I've managed to sleep through it, other wise my life would have been crazy with the two different wakeup calls for both my kids. I would set my alarm for 5:45 as a backup for the older one who had to leave the house at 6:45 for school and then go back to sleep and set the alarm again for 7:15 for the younger one. No wonder it was such a mess.
Well, this was why twin beds went out of fashion at some point. It became a sign of relationship dysfunction if married couples slept apart, but I would think that it would save some marriages ha!
yes! its been an unexpected sore spot in our marriage. We are both trying...
😕 I hear ya.
Glad that you're sleeping better!! I dont like sharing a room for more than a few nights, not just because i wouldnt sleep well (and i go to thé bathroom twice per night, so it probably works the other way round) and i need private space - very litterally a room of my own
I can see that. Having your own space feels so important for our sanity. In a city where apartments are smaller than houses, this can be a challenge. And maybe this is a luxury since much of the world cohabitates and lives in multi-generational situations. I don't know...I'm rambling 😬
OMG I am beyond envious of 7 hours of pure sleep. What a dream!
It's been a process! And I'm still waking up at least once a night :/
I feel you! I am trying to reclaim my sleep now that my youngest is almost 3. My loved ones used to joke that I can sleep through an earthquake. That special skill has deserted me once my eldest was born. I now wake at every peep they made. So, after my 2 weeks break without them (I know, right!), I realized, wow I slept so much better then, I started using earplugs now as my first attempt. It is helping in some ways, at least I don't wake at every sound or cries they made in their sleep, but I think I could still work on other sleep hygiene practices - go to bed the same time each night, no screens before bed, calming activities before sleep like reading. I try to aim for 8 hours "asleep", but as my fitness watch tells me, I only clock in around 7 hours of sleep when I do.
I too relish the midnight quietness, I am more a night owl than an early bird, but I reluctantly give that up because I know how important sleep is...
My husband and I sleep on two single beds that is fitted into a king size bed frame. It's the German way—they believe that every body needs different kind of mattress! I was reluctant too at first but now I find it a great compromise, separate mattress but still together...it may not solve all the problems, but nobody is fighting to keep their blanket (which my husband then bf love to roll wrap and steal it away at night and we have separate needs for blankets too), and no waking up from mattress movement.
2 twin beds on a king size frame is interesting and probably solves a lot of issues with sharing a bed. I sleep with earplugs sometimes too and yes, having a consistent bed time is really critical, I'm learning. I am happy to hear that you're addressing sleep issues early on. I think for me, I just ignored it and thus...my years of bad sleep habits!
It's never too late! Here's to better sleep for us..
🙌
Thank you for sharing this. I never had problems sleeping at least 7 or 8 hours every night but once I hit my mid 40s (I turn 50 next month) my sleep has been terrible. My boyfriend works away during the week and I never go to bed until after midnight I think because I’m on my own. When he’s here he likes to go to bed by 10pm and I think that’s when everything is starting on TV 🤣 I do go up with him and find myself reading, again until after midnight. I wake in the night for the bathroom about 3am then I’m up at 7am for work. I average 6 hours a night but would prefer 8. My parents only sleep about 5 hours and they are in their 70s and very active each day. I go on holiday and can sleep forever though. I find blackout curtains work well. Take me back to my 30s I could sleep 10 hours 😊
Yeah, mid-age is no joke for sleep issues. My parents only slept about 5 hours too and I am completely functional on 5 hours. I'm not even really tired which is why I never tried to do much about it, but this research connecting sleep to cognitive decline really scared me. So while I am sleeping earlier and now getting about 6ish hours, I also still wake up at least once most times. Not sure what to do about that!
I felt this so completely: “I was addicted to the quiet when those hours were all mine. When all the lights in the apartment flickered off at the end of the day, my evenings were just beginning while everyone drifted into sleep. No cries, no demands, interruptions or disruptions. Just myself and my thoughts alone.” I’m an empty nester now, but those days remain seared in my memory. That time was precious.
I’m 55 and have been divorced for 4 years now. I don’t think I ever want to go back to sharing my bed full time!
There are definitely moments in parenting that are seared in our memories, as you say. The details might get lost, but we remember the feeling.
I secretly dread the day my partner and I finally move in together! I am such a light sleeper (although having the window open [I live in a somewhat busy street in SF]) is strangely calming). When I’m at my partner’s place over the weekend, I have to use earplugs (and sometimes pop melatonin or a teeny piece of edible) because he snores very loudly..and even then with industrial strength earplugs I sometimes take hours to fall asleep. The thought of sleeping in separate bedrooms is alluring for sure, but often feel anxiety thinking what that may do to my partner and I’s relationship (I’m working on that). Thank you for your beautiful words as always! Hoping more blissful, uninterrupted sleeps are on your horizon..
Oh this is tough. I believe sleep compatibility is no joke. And it evolves and changes as women go through menopause too and our sleep cycles get disrupted. It's not a coincidence that this is when both my mom and MIL slept started sleeping in separate rooms. I wish you much success is trying to figure it all out!
My friend has been sleeping in separate bedrooms for almost 5 years. She says it's been a game changer, and jokes that she should start a business as a lifestyle coach revolving around sleeping separately. I have been tossing around getting two twins and seeing how that goes, but I'm not sure if I want to invest in new beds just to see if it will help my sleep or not. But the idea of two separate covers sounds like a good in-between that I might be willing to try. My husband gets up at 4 am every morning to get ready for work. If he has to go in early, it's 2 am. My alarm is set for 5:45, but I'm also a light sleeper, always have been, and much more so now as I'm that *menopausal* phase of life. I, too, relish my time when everyone else is asleep, so I feel like I'm getting spurts of sleep which is really bad. Trying hard to change my ways and get to bed no later than 10:30 and be sleepy by 11:30. The aim is to eventually be asleep before 11... We'll see how it goes.
I think the business lifestyle coaching is actually a good idea. I've been talking to more people about it and I'm surprised at how this is actually a thing! Your schedule sounds a lot like mine was just two years ago with the 4am and 5:45 except after the 5:45 i would set my alarm again to 7:15 for the next kid and try to sleep in-between. No wonder my sleep was messed up. Good luck with the 2 covers. I think that it's a great interim idea.
HRT friend. I'm 53.75, struggled with poor sleep for 3 years until I got an Est.patch and pro cream 4 months ago. I had tried all the supplements, acupuncture, sleep hygiene etc. I sleep solid straight 8 hrs now. Calm and cheerful again.
I’m happy that’s worked so well for you!