This is exactly why I kept my piano even though I hardly play it anymore. I love having something to express myself artistically that is just for me and doesn’t require an audience or others to exist (like acting and directing). I’m so sorry you’re not sleeping. I have been there (lately too) and know how much it can mess w the every day.
Gosh. Yes. I went through about 3 months this summer when I received zero writing requests from clients. I found myself wondering if I'm still a writer if no one is paying me to write. I concluded that I sort of was, but it shook my entire sense of self-worth.
PS. Thanks for that insomnia article - it's one of the few useful things I've read about sleep in years (speaking as a lifelong insomniac).
This is a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I think the truth of ‘being an artist’ (or musician or any other creative calling) is precisely found in doing it because you have no choice. You have to do it. And for whatever reason - comment, catharsis, meditation, habit, process over product etc. Audiences do validate. But they can lead to temptation. I’m inspired to write more about this myself now - I’m new to Substack but find the whole experience really positive overall.
Thanks for this thought-provoking piece. I think you are definitely onto something about how our Gen-X experience of not having the internet shapes our desire to share everything, now that we can. (Though I still remember how excited I was about the photocopier as a democratizing technology, and how many "underground papers" and zines and the like I was part of starting.) Also sorry to hear about the insomnia! Mine's been acting up lately as well :(
I like the zine and photocopier reference. Remember Kinko's? I feel like sometimes I lived at Kinko's lol. Also, sorry about the insomnia :( You are in mighty good company.
I've always kept my art and whatever talents to myself as I wonder about what others would think of them. Feeling as if I was never good enough. I also dislike how it can copied or stolen by others especially these days with advanced technology, easy screenshot captures. Yes, the best art is to be kept to yourself with anyone's else's judgement whether good or bad..
Hi Susan, I've wondered whether my disinterest in sharing these days is because of a lack of confidence in what I'm doing these days - which is, that I'm just messing around. It's still really hard not to compare yourself to others' successes. And yes about everything being stolen. I know first hand about that, and unfortunately unavoidable. Also don't want to give my stuff up to Zuckerberg anymore to do whatever Meta wants to do with it!
“To make art that does not exist for an audience. To fight the need to feel validated. To fight the desire to even be seen.” An ongoing battle for me too. I do share a lot of my art but I keep a bit of it just for my eyes. It’s a struggle though because as a recovering girl boss I always feel like everything has to become a business. So far I’ve kept my art mostly a hobby,
It's really hard to divorce ourselves from that thinking. I underestimated how hard it was when literally, nearly everything I created for a time was then sold as a product for a living.
My art is my business so I have to share it somehow, even though I often crave being more offline. I definitely don’t post “the right way”, whatever that is at the time. I feel like I’m much more of a lurker than I used to be. Sometime I want to share what I’m inspired by and a little bit of my process, but I only tend to do it when I feel like it, which isn’t a great “marketing plan”. :)
You definitely do! That's your livelihood. That's a whole other story. Being in business, whatever the business is, does require being online, sharing, and building your community/audience. That's just what you need to do. As per the comment exchange with Jaime above, it's been really hard to separate from that after having that be our persona for so many years.
Wow! We really ARE on the same page. About everything you’ve written about beautifully here, and about the best way to cook delicata squash. More to say, but gotta run now. I hope the insomnia passes soon (so hard, I’m sorry).
Amen to this message! It's why I still keep a Wordpress around and write in it, mostly to show myself I still got it with writing. It's fun, in its own weird way. I'll always share a link to each post on social media once for the sake of sharing, and any traction -- even one person -- it gets is a bonus. Thanks for sharing some of the pages from your sketchbook, they were really cool. I'm glad you've found a good space that works for you pursuing your art as a consistent practice for yourself.
An additional thank you for your really incredible reading list. The Dazed article made my heart break but it helps me understand my gen z kids better and how they can go from hopeless to hopeful (delulu!) in the blink of an eye. And the Wired article (we used to have a subscription back in the day) was so good my husband requested the link to pass on.
I've been a poor sleeper my whole life, but when I hit "that age" it got really bad. I had two prolonged periods of insomnia where I sincerely thought I was going to lose my mind from sleep deprivation. I took a cognitive behavioral therapy oriented sleep class, and the key thing I gleaned is what that article is about--the problem of effort. The harder I tried to sleep the worse it got, and then the anxiety around sleep compounded the problem. I made changes to reduce my effort and don't focus on the number of hours I'm getting. This has made things better (and a more recent change in my HRT helped further). Hope you come out the other side soon. I know how debilitating it is.
I think this is where I'm at right now, is the anxiety of sleep every night. The idea of a cognitive behavioral therapy oriented sleep class is interesting. It makes a lot of sense, actually.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you describe feels so real 🫂 the tension between creating for others versus creating for yourself. It’s powerful that you’re allowing space for private practice and experimentation; that in itself is such meaningful growth. Filling a whole sketchbook is no small thing it shows how deeply you’re leaning into the process, even when it feels messy
Thank you so much Jane, and I appreciate the comment on the links. As I commented upthread, I do wonder sometimes whether people click on them (and no, I try to avoid stats as much as possible 😅)
I became incredibly burnt out from social media and running an art business. Now I've rediscovered my creativity through something completely unrelated to watercolors and I've not really shared it with anyone except for family and close friends. It's been super healing to reclaim that. I eventually came back to love watercolors again but it's different now. Such a lovely post and I love all your drawings!
I can relate. For two businesses I had to be on social media. One startup required me to be on it all the time like 24/7. When we failed to get another round of funding, it was devastating but also a relief because I the amount of time I was online was just unsustainable. Our other business was a food business and the amount of product photography and lifestyle content was a different kind of relentless. All that to say, I'm really enjoying not having to be tied to social media anymore!
This is exactly why I kept my piano even though I hardly play it anymore. I love having something to express myself artistically that is just for me and doesn’t require an audience or others to exist (like acting and directing). I’m so sorry you’re not sleeping. I have been there (lately too) and know how much it can mess w the every day.
We have a piano that nobody plays anymore too :) I keep looking over there and thinking, someday...
I think many of us this age are not sleeping well!
Yup! I just read this a second ago! https://drmaryclairehaver.substack.com/p/the-girls-arent-sleeping?r=2o7dho&utm_medium=ios&utm_campaign=audio-player
Am off to read it now!
Gosh. Yes. I went through about 3 months this summer when I received zero writing requests from clients. I found myself wondering if I'm still a writer if no one is paying me to write. I concluded that I sort of was, but it shook my entire sense of self-worth.
PS. Thanks for that insomnia article - it's one of the few useful things I've read about sleep in years (speaking as a lifelong insomniac).
I found that insomnia article helpful too. Actually some useful explanations. I hope client work has picked up for you now!
Thanks - it has. But with AI everywhere I turn, I wonder for how long!
I understand. I just read an article about AI actors. It's inescapable in every industry.
This is a powerful post. Thank you for sharing. I think the truth of ‘being an artist’ (or musician or any other creative calling) is precisely found in doing it because you have no choice. You have to do it. And for whatever reason - comment, catharsis, meditation, habit, process over product etc. Audiences do validate. But they can lead to temptation. I’m inspired to write more about this myself now - I’m new to Substack but find the whole experience really positive overall.
Welcome to Substack! And yes, that's how I would define being an artist in the purest sense.
So many good threads in this one that I feel like your second drawing. I love the drawing and the feeling.
Thanks Tanya. These have become my stress relief drawings. Went from drawing hair to threads 🙂
Thanks for this thought-provoking piece. I think you are definitely onto something about how our Gen-X experience of not having the internet shapes our desire to share everything, now that we can. (Though I still remember how excited I was about the photocopier as a democratizing technology, and how many "underground papers" and zines and the like I was part of starting.) Also sorry to hear about the insomnia! Mine's been acting up lately as well :(
I like the zine and photocopier reference. Remember Kinko's? I feel like sometimes I lived at Kinko's lol. Also, sorry about the insomnia :( You are in mighty good company.
I loved Kinko's! I have a friend who wrote (and I believe laid out and self-published) an entire novel on Kinko's computers in the 90s.
wow
Apparently it is now considered a "classic underground novel" https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/407067.Tales_of_a_Punk_Rock_Nothing
I've always kept my art and whatever talents to myself as I wonder about what others would think of them. Feeling as if I was never good enough. I also dislike how it can copied or stolen by others especially these days with advanced technology, easy screenshot captures. Yes, the best art is to be kept to yourself with anyone's else's judgement whether good or bad..
Hi Susan, I've wondered whether my disinterest in sharing these days is because of a lack of confidence in what I'm doing these days - which is, that I'm just messing around. It's still really hard not to compare yourself to others' successes. And yes about everything being stolen. I know first hand about that, and unfortunately unavoidable. Also don't want to give my stuff up to Zuckerberg anymore to do whatever Meta wants to do with it!
I totally understand! Things are just weird now.
“To make art that does not exist for an audience. To fight the need to feel validated. To fight the desire to even be seen.” An ongoing battle for me too. I do share a lot of my art but I keep a bit of it just for my eyes. It’s a struggle though because as a recovering girl boss I always feel like everything has to become a business. So far I’ve kept my art mostly a hobby,
It's really hard to divorce ourselves from that thinking. I underestimated how hard it was when literally, nearly everything I created for a time was then sold as a product for a living.
My art is my business so I have to share it somehow, even though I often crave being more offline. I definitely don’t post “the right way”, whatever that is at the time. I feel like I’m much more of a lurker than I used to be. Sometime I want to share what I’m inspired by and a little bit of my process, but I only tend to do it when I feel like it, which isn’t a great “marketing plan”. :)
You definitely do! That's your livelihood. That's a whole other story. Being in business, whatever the business is, does require being online, sharing, and building your community/audience. That's just what you need to do. As per the comment exchange with Jaime above, it's been really hard to separate from that after having that be our persona for so many years.
Wow! We really ARE on the same page. About everything you’ve written about beautifully here, and about the best way to cook delicata squash. More to say, but gotta run now. I hope the insomnia passes soon (so hard, I’m sorry).
Oh!! And thank you for the link. I think you would love Karen’s book (and Karen).
Yes, we are ☺️
Amen to this message! It's why I still keep a Wordpress around and write in it, mostly to show myself I still got it with writing. It's fun, in its own weird way. I'll always share a link to each post on social media once for the sake of sharing, and any traction -- even one person -- it gets is a bonus. Thanks for sharing some of the pages from your sketchbook, they were really cool. I'm glad you've found a good space that works for you pursuing your art as a consistent practice for yourself.
We all need hobbies, just for the sake of hobbies. Sounds like writing is it for you. I'll have to catch some of your writing sometime.
Thank you! I'll post links to my Wordpress writing on my Notes on here when I write something up again.
An additional thank you for your really incredible reading list. The Dazed article made my heart break but it helps me understand my gen z kids better and how they can go from hopeless to hopeful (delulu!) in the blink of an eye. And the Wired article (we used to have a subscription back in the day) was so good my husband requested the link to pass on.
I'm really glad to hear this! Sometimes I wonder if folks are clicking on the articles I link 🤷🏻♀️
only every one of them!!! :D
Hi Jill!! 👋
I've been a poor sleeper my whole life, but when I hit "that age" it got really bad. I had two prolonged periods of insomnia where I sincerely thought I was going to lose my mind from sleep deprivation. I took a cognitive behavioral therapy oriented sleep class, and the key thing I gleaned is what that article is about--the problem of effort. The harder I tried to sleep the worse it got, and then the anxiety around sleep compounded the problem. I made changes to reduce my effort and don't focus on the number of hours I'm getting. This has made things better (and a more recent change in my HRT helped further). Hope you come out the other side soon. I know how debilitating it is.
I think this is where I'm at right now, is the anxiety of sleep every night. The idea of a cognitive behavioral therapy oriented sleep class is interesting. It makes a lot of sense, actually.
Thank you for sharing this so honestly. What you describe feels so real 🫂 the tension between creating for others versus creating for yourself. It’s powerful that you’re allowing space for private practice and experimentation; that in itself is such meaningful growth. Filling a whole sketchbook is no small thing it shows how deeply you’re leaning into the process, even when it feels messy
I've been learning how to be comfortable with messy 🙂
To be a mother… that’s the work of a real artist.
☺️
Your art is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing, and such an interesting discussion on whether to share or not.
Also, great links! Wishing you (and me) sleep!
Thank you so much Jane, and I appreciate the comment on the links. As I commented upthread, I do wonder sometimes whether people click on them (and no, I try to avoid stats as much as possible 😅)
You always have such interesting links!
I am so happy to hear that!
I became incredibly burnt out from social media and running an art business. Now I've rediscovered my creativity through something completely unrelated to watercolors and I've not really shared it with anyone except for family and close friends. It's been super healing to reclaim that. I eventually came back to love watercolors again but it's different now. Such a lovely post and I love all your drawings!
I can relate. For two businesses I had to be on social media. One startup required me to be on it all the time like 24/7. When we failed to get another round of funding, it was devastating but also a relief because I the amount of time I was online was just unsustainable. Our other business was a food business and the amount of product photography and lifestyle content was a different kind of relentless. All that to say, I'm really enjoying not having to be tied to social media anymore!