Life is one big curveball

The letdown and the start of summer. Plus, a strawberry pie recipe from the archives.

Jun 19, 2024

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There’s often a letdown that happens after a big milestone. Months, even years, of emotional investment and anticipation reaches a peak and then…leaves us empty.

Empty is a fitting word right now, but it’s not the only emotion I feel.
Proud. Excited. Scared. Frustrated. Tired.

We had a high school graduation for one kid and a send off for a summer semester abroad in Korea for the other. And in the midst of it all, cutting through the highs like a rude party crasher, came some unexpected news and a financial setback.

I saw my youngest child’s expression as she walked down the aisle when commencement was over and saw a face that was a little shell shocked. She looked like a lost lamb. It broke my heart, but I also understood. I didn’t know what I should be feeling this week either. No wonder I threw myself into the war against the carpet moths in our apartment. I needed to fight something. Cleaning, as I have come to learn with more clarity over the years, is my attempt at control. But control over life, as I was reminded last week, is often a futile endeavor.

The more recent epiphany I’ve had this past Father’s Day was a similar realization about my dad. He might have been trying to control things too over his small domain of influence with his intolerance of clutter. I observe with half amusement and half disdain that as I get older, I too have developed that same intolerance as I parrot the behavior that I have seen in him: always picking up lint off the carpet, always clearing surfaces, and lightning quick to declare something is garbage and throwing them away.

It’s as if the intrusion of something foreign in the house taunted him as a reminder that life is unpredictable. He didn’t like it when routines got disrupted. I wonder if I am heading that way too as I age.

The need to control some aspect over my life vs. the desire to just surrender to fate are at constant odds. Do I believe in destiny? Do I believe that I can architect my future?

Life is a little bit of both.

I was naive enough to believe that I had things figured out. I had my guard down during a rare moment of optimism. I filled out spread sheets, made a two-year, five-year, and a ten-year plan. I forecasted and dove deep into scenario planning to satisfy the part of my personality that needs to know what I’m dealing with even if the plans fall apart. And when they do—as it just did—I delete the numbers, erasing my careful calculations that leave the table cells empty until I can fill them with new data and start all over again.

Because we always do. Recalibrate, revamp, revise, readjust. Resilience is a state I've embraced but have also come to resent. Why do we have to be resilient all the time?

Nothing in this modern life we live in feels secure, nothing stays the same. Everything moves so fast now. The stock market highs and job reports belie just how tough it is out there and in this midlife, we are caught in the in-between. No longer running at full speed on our careers, but not yet retired. Not young, but not old.

I sit here in my room looking out the window and watch the trees dance. I listen to the leaves rustle and enjoy the breeze through the open window. Everything is lush and green. Even in the most urban of concrete cities, you can find a canopy of trees to walk under. Evening walks during golden hour is a balm for the soul. It helps quiet the internal noises in my head. Sometimes I get a whiff of gardenias and roses. The heady fragrance fully grounds me to the present moment.

I hear that the first heat wave of the year is heading our way, a heat dome that is making its way from the west. I brace myself. Summer in NYC is here.

The school year has officially ended, the diploma secured, and I switch off my morning alarm for good, the one that I have set for the past 17 years to make sure the kids are up in time for the first period bell every morning.

After the flurry of graduation ceremonies, visiting family, and last week’s curve ball, summer’s slower rhythm descends on this week like a weighted blanket.

My children are going off to new adventures and new lives. The empty nesters stay behind to contemplate the change and what it means for them, for the future, for each other. We take a deep breath and work our way out of life’s challenges because that is what we do—so that when the kids return, home is here waiting for them, just as they left it.

This week’s artwork

Not my artwork, but my college-bound kid’s. She painted this last summer when she was 16. It recently won a national medal from Scholastic Arts and we went to see it with other winners at a gallery exhibit in Chelsea last week. I know when she worked on this she was trying to capture the exuberance of childhood innocence. I look at this and immediately get hit with a flood of memories. How were they ever this small?

A summer recipe

Strawberry and Whipped Cream Pie (makes one 10-inch pie)

A recently paid subscriber requested this recipe from my old blog. Published in June 2010, it was one of our most popular recipes and timely for strawberry season. Enjoy! 🍓

Recipe notes from Mark

Fresh, whole, uncooked strawberries are bound together inside a graham cracker crust with a mixture of sugar, gelatin, and strawberry puree. The pie is topped with a layer of whipped cream. If you try this recipe, only use the best berries you can find because the flavor depends entirely on that.

Crust:

1-1/3 cups graham cracker crumbs
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup flour
6 Tablespoons melted butter

Preheat the oven to 300 degrees. Mix everything together by hand and press firmly into a 10-inch spring form pan. The crust should also go up the sides of the pan about three inches. Bake in the oven for about 12 minutes until it has firmed up slightly. Let it cool while you prepare the filling.

Filling:

5 cups strawberries, washed and stems removed
1/4 cup sugar
1 Tablespoon gelatin powder, soaked in 1/4 cup cold water

Roughly chop one cup of the strawberries and place in a small saucepan with the sugar. Cook until reduced to a puree. Remove from the heat, then stir in the gelatin. Mix with the remaining strawberries and immediately pour into the cooled crust. Spread the filling so the top is level, then prepare the whipped cream topping.

Topping:

1-1/2 cups heavy cream
1 Tablespoon powdered sugar
1 teaspoon gelatin powder
2 tablespoons milk

Whip the cream and sugar to stiff peaks. Soak the gelatin in the milk for two minutes, then heat gently until dissolved. Gradually fold the whipped cream into the gelatin and spread on top of the strawberries. Chill for several hours before removing from the pan and serving.